Secret Santa
by MelMel1234
Summary: AU : What happens when Jackson and April ends up picking each other for a game of Secret Santa ?
1. Chapter 1

**Hello everyone ! So yes, this is a new fanfic that I'm uploading, but don't be mad. I know I still have 'Just Friends' to update, but this will be a much smaller fanfic, with 3/4 chapters at most, so I will definitely be getting back to that ASAP. I got this idea and it wouldn't leave, so I wrote and edited this all in the span of a day. I am so grateful for your support on my other fics and I truly hope you enjoy this. Keep in mind, this is AU. It's set in the grey's universe, around season 9, but japril's circumstances are different. Also, please know that I intend to keep this as fluffy and by-the-numbers as possible. Absolutely no angst during the holiday season from me. :) Anyway, I hope you enjoy !**

 **Disclaimer : I do not own the characters as they are property of Shonda Rhimes and Grey's Anatomy**

* * *

 ** _18th of December_**

"Here you go, a cinnamon spice vanilla frappuccino. You do realize your order is playing into stereotypes, right ?" Jackson asked, placing the cup in front of April, who he found working in the skills lab.

"Who cares ? It's Christmas in a cup." April replied, looking up from her work. "Thank you by the way."

She brought the coffee to her mouth and took a sip, smiling at him as he pulled up a chair to sit down from across her.

"You're working skills lab today ?" He asked, stealing the cup of coffee from her to take a sip. He immediately regretted it, sticking his tongue out in disgust. He had never understood why she liked it, albeit, it was 'Christmas in a cup' but it was so sweet he could barely taste any coffee.

"Yes I am, and why do you even try it if you know you're going to hate it ?" April replied, grabbing the cup back from his hands.

"Because I'm trying to get in the Christmas spirit ? Which reminds me, in the spirit of giving, do you want to scrub in on my first solo cheiloplasty I'm performing ? It's tomorrow."

"Nice. Wait is this the one you're doing for Jake ?"

Jackson nodded, causing a wide grin to spread across April's face. Jacob Lynn had being brought in for a cleft lip he had suffered from his whole life, but hadn't had the finances to do anything until Mark had decided to take him on pro bono. The reason why April was so happy for the surgery however had more to do with Jacob than anything. He was a 9 year old with a big personality, charming anyone and everyone whom he met. However, he had developed a particular crush on the redhead that was no secret. Not that Jackson blamed him. April adored him too and he knew Jake would love having her be a part of his surgery, plus he wanted to have April there with him for his first cleft repair. She had always believed in his capabilities as a surgeon. He needed that in the OR on that day.

"Okay. I'll scrub in. Should we go tell him ? I'm done here. The interns are only showing up in an hour." She replied, enthusiasm evident in her face. He laughed at her attitude, walking outside with her beside him.

"So, did you decide what you were going to do for Christmas ? Tell me you're not planning on pulling a grinch. Is Mara staying for Christmas ?" April asked casually, walking inside the elevator and pressing the button of their floor.

"Um ... I don't know, really. She doesn't really do Christmas either. Her surgery is tomorrow and Christmas is like whole week away, so I think she's going back to Boston." He comments, trying to not let the whole thing become awkward.

"But this is your first Christmas together. It's special !" She argued, throwing her hands up in the air.

"April, we're not dating. She's not my girlfriend. Anyway, Okay, so if first Christmases are so special, why don't you and Mathew celebrate it, hm ?" He asked, stopping in front of the nurses' desk to receive Jake's chart.

"We are, actually." She replied, quietly, eyes focused on the file.

He looked back at her with surprise, unsure of how that made him feel.

"Oh. Uh ... You're taking him to meet your parents ? Isn't that too soon ?" He hadn't realised they were so serious so fast.

"No no. Remember how I bought them tickets to go visit Paris in November ? Well they had to postpone it to December because of Alice's graduation, so they'll be in Paris during Christmas. Lucky them. So, it's Christmas with the in-laws for everyone, well except for me, but I didn't want them to cancel on my behalf. They deserve this." She said, gaining a nod of agreement from Jackson. He was a little surprised her very religious family didn't insist on dropping everything to spend Christmas together, but he figured Christmas in Paris was too good to give up. It had been one of his favorite destinations as a child. He also supposed that it gave April and Mathew an opportunity to further their relationship, which he grudgingly thought was great for her.

His history with the redhead was anything but simple. They started off as interns at Mercy West and had slowly become best friends. He'd found her boundless energy and big heart refreshing and she'd found his laid back, killer wit annoying, yet charming. He hadn't foreseen the friendship he began to have with her, but he sure as hell hadn't foreseen falling in love with her. They had ended up dating, a year before the merger, and had been together until last year, a whole of 4 years. He hadn't wanted them to end, that was all her. Although he knew it wasn't necessarily what she wanted, rather what she felt she had to do, it didn't stop him from drinking himself to a stupor for an entire week.

* * *

 _They had been living together with Alex, talking about moving out and getting their own place, because he was sick of having him third wheel and walking in on them in the most uncomfortable of circumstances. Now that he thought back on it, he realised that the signs had been there all along. She had been distant, he had caught her crying on many occasions, constantly excusing it as being because of an unsuccessful surgery. He should've caught on. He knew that now. He had come home that day, much later than she had, but in a really good mood, because Alex was working overnight and so they had the apartment to themselves. However, the moment he walked in the through the door he realised that something wasn't right. Whenever April came home early, and they were alone, she'd either be making him dinner, or be in the middle of the living room clad in lingerie (or his personal favorite, nothing at all) or she would be in the bath, waiting for him. But this day, he'd walked into the living room to find her sitting on the couch, her legs pulled up to her chest. She didn't notice him walking in and when he had walked closer towards her, he noticed that her eyes were red and cheeks puffy. She had been crying and he figured that this was about another patient she had lost._

 _"Hey babe, are you okay ? Have you been crying ?" He said, walking up to her, sitting down on the couch._

 _She looked up at him, her facial expression not giving anything away. He grew more and more worried the longer she waited without replying. He hoped it wasn't anything truly bad._

 _"April, please say something, you're scaring me." He replied, reaching to brush the hair out of her face. She quickly flinched away from him, but turned to face him, rubbing her face._

 _"Do you ever think about us ? Our future ? Do you ever think about it ?" April asked, her voice so soft she was practically whispering._

 _He wasn't entirely sure why this conversation was making her sad, but he was relieved it wasn't anything too serious. Or so he thought at the time._

 _"Of course, sweetheart. You and me, right ?" He replied, smiling at her face, hoping to elicit the dimpled smile he loved._

 _So when she didn't smile back, he grew more worried._

 _"Yes, but what do you see ? In the future, what do you see ?" She asked, growing more frustrated with him. This wasn't an entirely new conversation, but it had never sounded this serious. He'd always make a joke about how he saw her making love to him in the shower next or something equally stupid and she'd always laugh and let it go. But this time, he could sense that answer wasn't going to be enough._

 _"Okay, well, I was thinking we could get our own place." He replied, pulling her closer to him, feeling a little better that she let him, "You know, so you can express yourself as ... loud as you want to." He joked, glad she gave him a small grin at that._

 _"How about after that ?"_

 _"Um ... well ... We could ... We could adopt a dog. Hm ?" He replied, unsure of what to say at this point. It's not that he didn't want a future with her, he definitely did. He just wasn't someone who planned things. He let things happen, but that didn't mean he didn't want her to be there for whatever was to come._

 _"A dog ?! That's it ? That's the future ? We adopt a dog ?" She pulled away from him, getting up from the couch, walking away._

 _"We could get a cat ?" He offered._

 _"Is this a joke to you Jackson ? I don't ... I ... You want to know what I want, hm ? I want to get married. Not ... Not right now. Not today. Not even next month or … or even YEAR, but eventually. I eventually want to marry my boyfriend of 4 years and then when the time is right, I want to have kids. Maybe 2 or even 3. And I want us to get a house, not another apartment, so we can raise our family there. I want that, Jackson." She replied, breathless towards the end._

 _He stood in front of her shocked at the revelation. He knew she was a marriage kind of girl, never doubted it, but some stupid part of him had thought that maybe she'd be satisfied just being with him. He liked children, and maybe one day he may even want to have children, but he was nowhere near ready to be a father just yet. Not for a really long time. But marriage ? He wasn't sure if he ever wanted that. He and April had had different experiences when it came to marriage and that meant that they perceived its importance differently. In his mind, it was just a stupid piece of paper, but for April it symbolized something more._

 _"That's what I thought." She said, heartbroken, her voice bringing him out of his thoughts. "I love you so much. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. I love you." She replied, silent tears pouring from her eyes._

 _"I love you too, April. I love -"_

 _"But ... But ... You don't want the same things I do, Jackson. And I ... I shouldn't be with someone who can't give me the things I want. And you deserve someone who wants what you want too." April said, the tears quickly becoming loud sobs._

 _He stood in front of her dumbfounded, unable to come to terms with the fact that she was breaking up with him. That she thought she was doing this for his benefit as well. As if he could ever be happy without her._

 _"I need to let you go, for you and for me. Because ... I don't want to force you into a decision you don't feel entirely comfortable making. Because I know that if I give you an ultimatum, you'll marry me and you'll be miserable and I will never do that to you. I love you too much for that." She replied, her words partly gibberish because of how loud her tears were._

 _"I hate this. I hate having to do this. But you ... you deserve someone who is content with an apartment and a dog. Not someone who'll always wish there was more. I could never love someone half as much as I love you, but ... I love my job, Jackson, I do. But I also want to be a wife ... and a mom. I've wanted that since I was a little girl. And ... I want that with you, but I can't have it with you because that's not you." She said, walking up to him and taking his hands in hers. He wasn't the type to cry. The only time he remembered having cried was when his father had left and when his friends had died in a hospital shooting. He would later at this moment to the list of exceptions._

 _"I tried so hard ... to convince myself that I didn't want ... I didn't want those things, but I do. And you ... you shouldn't have to change yourself to be with me, Jackson. I won't let you do that."_

 _He knew that at this point he should do something, say something, anything so that she wouldn't do what she was going to do. He knew that he should tell her he loved her and he couldn't imagine not being with her anymore. But he couldn't, because part of him knew she was right. He couldn't give her what she wanted, even though she was everything he wanted. She was letting him go because she thought it was for his good, even though she had no idea that that was anything but the truth. So he wouldn't be selfish. He would do anything if she was happy, and if letting her go was the solution, he was going to do it. Begging her to stay would be selfish, because he knew that if he begged enough, she'd cave. She'd change herself for him and she'd stay, without the marriage. But she deserved everything she wanted and more, so he wouldn't let himself be selfish._

 _"I love you so much." He said at last, engulfing her in a hug._

 _"I love you so much it hurts, Jackson." She replied, crying into his chest. She slowly looked up at him, standing on her tip toes and placed a soft kiss on his lips,"but ... I have to go now."_

 _They'd stood there, not saying anything, his mind numb from the pain, until she had disentangled herself from him and gone to her bedroom. He had stood there for a while, wondering if he had just made the stupidest mistake of his life and already knowing the answer to it._

* * *

She'd moved out a day or two later, crashing at Meredith's until she had found a home to live in. He had also eventually moved out and gotten a place for himself. It had taken them a while, but they'd made the decision that they wanted to remain friends until eventually they could get back to what they had been before they'd begun to date. It was working, there were still times things got difficult or awkward between them but he was determined to make it work. He hadn't really wanted to get into a relationship after April, so six months ago when he'd bumped into Mara Keaton when he was in Boston and slept with her and she woke up the next morning telling him she wanted a 'no strings attached' relationship, he went along with it. Mara was the type of girl April thought he should be with. If they ever did more than occasionally sleep together, he knew she would be perfectly content with only ever moving in together and adopting a dog. But he didn't want that with her. He only wanted that with April. He didn't feel guilty because he knew that she didn't love him either, and maybe never would. He was okay with a relationship that wasn't all consuming. Mara was fine. She was enough. And for now, that was okay. It had become harder for him when April had started seeing Mathew 2 months ago, but he realized how perfect he was for her. He was the kind of guy who was willing to marry her 2 days into their relationship. That's what April wanted, so he would respect it.

"Hey guys." He looked up to see Meredith and Cristina walking towards them. Meredith looked very pregnant and looked way too happy-go-lucky than her normal disposition, which he figured was the reason for the annoyance of her counterpart.

"Hey Mer ! How's the baby doing ?" April asked, instantly beaming towards Meredith.

"It's kicking and annoying and it's making her hormonal enough to become you, Kepner." Cristina commented, rolling her eyes at her twisted sister.

"Oh stop. I just want to make Zola's Christmas special this year. It's going to be the last one we have with just her before this one comes along ... well if he comes along," She said, almost as if it was a casual possibility, "and I want it to be special. So, we're going to have a Christmas party and ..."

"Wait for it ..." Cristina chirped in.

"We thought of playing Secret Santa !" She concluded, grinning at the two of them.

"NO !" April said, excitedly jumping up and down on the spot. He laughed at her sweet enthusiasm, a characteristic he loves ... loved about her.

"I knew she'd be excited for this," Cristina said, looking at April disapprovingly. "Hey kid, come out of there and give me my best friend back. I hate whoever ... this is." Cristina said, addressing the bump and pointing to Meredith as if she'd turned into some creature.

"Anyway, I brought a jar, you just pick a name and ... well you know the rest." Meredith said, producing a jar which had piece of paper in it.

"I'm puking at how corny this is. And if you weren't puking because of morning sickness, you would have enough puke left to puke at how corny this is." Cristina said, as April and Jackson each picked out a name.

"Great, a present every other day except the last one which will be on Christmas, okay ?" Meredith said, closing the jar and smiling at the two. April eagerly nodded and Jackson looked back confused, having never heard of 'Secret Santa' once in his life. The truth was he'd never celebrated Christmas with his family, mostly because they weren't religious at all and also because they never had the time. He had never celebrated the holiday beyond getting presents from his mom and grandad, until he'd met April. Even before they started dating, she'd made sure himself, Reed and Charles had a very authentic Christmas experience. During the time they were dating, albeit the first year, they'd flown to Ohio to celebrate, and yet with all the Christmas he's experienced since then, he had no idea what on earth Secret Santa was, other than the fact that it consisted giving gifts to ... 'April !" He realised looking down at the name printed.

"Okay they get the stupid rules, can we go to the surgery now and do things that don't involve rainbows and sparkles and you smiling a lot. It's creepy. Bye losers." Cristina waved at them, dragging Meredith away down the hallway.

"You can bring Mathew by the way, and Mara if she's around!" Meredith managed to get out, before the duo turned a corner.

"I understand why Cristina is worried that Meredith has been replaced by an extra-terrestrial being, because CHRISTMAS games? Really?" Jackson asked, twisting his face.

"Stop," April replied laughing at him, "I think this is sweet. I'm so excited !"

"Yeah well, I got your name so I'd be pretty excited if I was you too." He replied, grinning cockily at her.

"JACKSON !" She said, eyes widening,"YOU. AREN'T. SUPPOSED. TO. TELL. ME. THAT !" She yelled at him, repeatedly smacking his chest with every word.

"Okay okay stop hitting me, geez. How am I supposed to know that ? I've never heard of this game." He shrugged his shoulders, laughing at how seriously she was taking this, "Who'd you get anyway ?"

"Okay first of all, EVERYONE know Secret pick a name, and give gifts to the person SECRETLY until the last gift where you find out who was giving you gifts all this time. Second of all, did you not hear me ? The whole purpose was to not tell people, ergo, SECRET Santa. I am not telling you. Especially you. I mean, when I said especially I didn't mean anything by it. I just ... You ... You ruined it !" She said, pouting her lips.

She always rambled when she was nervous about something, another trait of her he had fallen in love with. He shook the thought away as he realised that she'd picked his name. What a coincidence, he thought.

"You picked my name didn't you ?" He replied, his suspicion confirmed when she looked back at him with wide eyes.

"Wha- no. NO ! No. Nope. N-" He looked at her, an eyebrow raised, and saw her come to the realization that she'd given it away. "Oh fine ! Okay, it's you. Now what's the point ?"

He smiled internally, knowing it was so her to take this whole thing to heart, but he hated seeing her unhappy so if sucking up and playing this stupid game would make her happy that's what he would do.

"Well ... not if we make our own game out of it," He said, noticing how he'd caught her interest, "Since we know it's each other, how about we give presents to one another and we vote on who gave the best present 2 out of 3 times. Loser has to buy the winner an extra present ?"

She considered it for a second and brightened up, nodding her head happily.

"Okay ! I'm in. But I will warn you, Avery. I am very competitive. So have that 4th present ready." She said, winking back at him.

"Oh I'm aware, but I'm bringing my A game, Kepner. So, YOU have the 4th present ready." He replied, playfully pushing her by his hip.

"Game on, Jackson," she said, entering Jacob's room, with a happy greeting. He saw Jacob's face light up when he explained that his favorite doctor will be there for his surgery.

It never surprised him how fond Jake had grown towards April. He didn't really care about winning this stupid game, but he loved the idea of buying her presents. He overheard Jake's mother telling April something about Christmas miracles, because Jake had just been wishing April would be in the OR with him and he thought how it sounded more like a coincidence than a miracle. Like how it was a coincidence they picked each other's names, but if there was something like that out there, well it couldn't hurt to ask. So he looked at the red head, who was giving Jacob a hug, and closed his eyes.

* * *

 **THANK YOU FOR READING !**

 **Please leave a review down below letting me know what you thought, and if you want me to continue it. I appreciate reviews so much :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello everyone ! Let me start off by saying, MERRY CHRISTMAS ! Also, just wanted give a massive apology for updating so late. I had to travel unexpectedly this week and I'm still overseas and will be for the coming week - this meant internet access was hard to find. I had this chapter written for a while and couldn't upload. Hopefully, I can upload the next one sooner *fingers crossed*. Anyway, THANK YOU SO MUCH for the amazing feedback I got on this fic. I'm so thrilled you guys like it. It makes me so happy. Hopefully, this chapter lives up. Again, thank you for your support and I hope you enjoy - both this fic and your holiday !**

 **P.S : This fic is not at all M rated, BUT this chapter's flashback maaaay contain a little bit of PG stuff. Nothing that warrants an M rating, but letting y'all know ahead of time :)**

 _ **Disclaimer : The characters are property of Shonda Rhimes and Grey's Anatomy.**_

* * *

 **20th** **of December**

"Okay so Seattle can only have snow every once in a blue moon but it can have icy sharp wind and black ice almost every single year? Really ? Why ?!"

Jackson opened the door to a visibly shivering red head, who was sporting a frown that matched the tone of frustration evident in her voice. He immeadiately noticed that she was wearing a jacket a good 4 or 5 sizes too big for her ... a jacket that also happened to be intended for men. His jacket to be precise, which she had swiped from him a year before their breakup, claiming it to be warmer and cozier than the ones she could buy. At the time, she'd also said it was mostly because it smelled like him and sometimes he wondered if that's another reason why she still kept it.

"The weather ?" He joked, taking her coat and hanging it in the coat buyer she bought him 2 years back and watched her hang her keys on the hook she had bought him 6 months into their relationship. He was honestly surprised, and occasionally worried, about the amount of relationship memorabilia he kept.

"Ha ha ha. You're so lame, Jackman." She quipped back.

Growing up in Ohio meant April absolutely adored the snow but hated the cold. She was only willing to put up with the cold if it was as a result of snow. No snow and cold weather made a very unhappy April.

"Hot chocolate ?" He offered, walking with her to the kitchen. She had taught him a while back how Kepner's make Hot Chocolate and like anything in the Kepner household it had to be from scratch.

"Sure. Marshmallows ?"

"Of course."

He began melting chocolate, and looked up to see April looking back at him in surprise.

"From scratch ?"

"Only way to make hot chocolate, Kepner." He smiled back at her, a part of him even happier that she looked really proud of him.

She took the mug into her hands, sipping slowly, a moan of pleasure coming from her mouth which instantly made him feel uncomfortable.

"Jackson, why the hell do you have an undecorated Christmas tree in the middle of your living room ?" She asked, bringing him out of his very forbidden thoughts.

"Hm ? Oh yeah ... uh ... You know, I ... I still have time left, so ..." He replied, scratching his head.

"You thought you'd wait until the last minute? Jeez. Okay come on, do you have ornaments?" She asked, collecting them when he pointed out their location.

She handed him a box and began decorating the tree. What he would never admit to her is that the reason he couldn't bring himself to decorate the tree was her. When they had been together, the tree decoration had almost been a contest to see how best he could distract her from her activities, constantly interrupting her with kisses. Whenever he picked up a piece he'd remember that and so here he was with a bare tree days before Christmas - which to April was an offence against humanity.

He more or so watched her decorate than anything else. He loved watching her mind at work, thinking the best placement of the pieces, the way she gracefully moved around the tree, the way her sweater ran up her torso revealing soft creamy skin ... He snapped out his thoughts realising that if he was ever going to be friends with her he'd have to stop allowing himself to think like that. It was easier said than done, he thought, grimacing.

"All done." She replied a while later, having let him lift her up to put up the star, which had resulted in his previous convictions completely crumbling to dust. "This is nice. You know all we're missing is a fireplace. Apartments are useless."

"We're not in a Christmas movie, April. We don't need a fireplace." He commented, taking a seat in front of the tree. He had to admit it did add a lovely ambience to the place.

"Fine ..." She said, whispering, "Grinch."

He laughed at her adorable quirks. If only things were different, he thought.

"Okay ! So ... the reason I came here ! Gift number one." She said, walking up to her coat to retrieve the gift, while he made a trip to his room to get hers.

"You're going to love this." Jackson said, once he sat back down in front of the redhead handing her his gift.

"Alright, geez ... cocky much." She teased him, sticking her tongue out while unwrapping her gift. It wasn't long before she was squealing excitedly while clapping her hands together.

"My own embroidered stationary? Oh my god ! It's so beautiful !" April commented, a hand still over her mouth in excitement. He laughed thinking how most people would find his gift utterly boring, but the thing is April had a deep rooted love for pretty stationary and had been talking about getting her own set for a while. It was rose gold themed, her personal favorite and as she suddenly gasped and noted how each item in the set included, in addition to her name, a tiny drawing of red hair above a scrub top.

"Oh I love it love it love it ! Thank you, thank you !" She talked excitedly, throwing her arms around Jackson to show her appreciation.

"Alright, my turn !" He said, pointing at the envelope she was hiding behind her. She nodded in agreement, carefully setting aside her own heavy gift set and handed him over the gift. He was all the more curious because it took the form of an envelope.

"April ..." He began, unable to believe what she had gotten him, "How did you get these ?"

She smiled back at him, "Do you like it ?"

"Do I like- YES ! This is ... This is amazing ! THANK YOU." He said, running his hands over his head, unable to comprehend what he was holding. "Two tickets to the Boston Celtics All Star game ?! These sold out within 5 minutes. HOW ? I've been looking for these for MONTHS."

"I know the sports doctor for the team. We met at a conference this year and I befriended her. She owed me a favour. You told me last month how you really wanted to go." She replied.

"April, these tickets are so expen-" He began, but was quickly shushed by his counterpart.

"If you can spend a fortune on stationary then I can spend as much as I like on these tickets. Plus, I know how much this means to you. So ... worth every penny." She said, rubbing his arm gently.

He understood what she was referring to, but was still in shock at the gift. Not only was it incredibly amazing (they were floor seats as well !) but it was also incredibly sentimental. She had really put thought into the gift and that's what made him love it that much more. April would never give you a gift she didn't attach sentiment behind, there was always a reason. And this one, this reason was something only she knew.

* * *

" _April, I can't take this picture if you keep squirming. Stay still." Jackson said, holding the camera in one hand, and attempting to steady April's body. She was twisting around, the side of her face buried into her pillow, incessantly giggling. He hadn't expected the whole ordeal to be this difficult when he had asked her for a 'private' picture some days ago. She had blushed throughout the entire conversation, trying her best not to show him how uncomfortable it was making her, especially when he was justifying the request by saying that she had always been breathtaking to him just after they had sex. She had agreed to it back then, not out of pressure, he would never do that to her, but because she wanted to. It was out of her comfort zone, but he knew that she secretly loved him having a photo of her that was meant for his eyes only. However, as was with all things she did, overthinking was slowly ruining what she had initially felt was a good idea._

 _Th_ ey _had been lying in bed, having already made love twice, kissing and whispering sweet nothings as most couples crazy in love do. He was clad in his boxers while she was only very partially covered by a thin white sheet that did a very bad job at hiding much of anything. They had had the day off, and had chosen to spend it in their favorite place, their bedroom. Since the first time he had made love to her, not giving note to her massive freak out after, he had known that they had an unbelievable physical chemistry. He had been with plenty of women before April, so he had known, clear as day that what they had wasn't anything ordinary._

" _Sweetheart if you changed your mind then you can just tell me that okay? I don't ever want you to do something you're not 100% okay with. This is as much for you as it is for me. I think you secretly find this whole thing kind of hot. But if I'm wrong, you say the word and we're done here, alright?" He said, softly pulling her face towards his, letting his gorgeous blue-green eyes penetrate hers._

 _"No, no I want to do this. You're right, it is ... really sexy ... I just ..." She looked away from him, avoiding his eyes._

 _"Are you ... Are you scared I'll show these to anyone ? You don't think I'd ever ..."_

 _"Of course not Jackson ! I never thought that ... I mean, you know, as a woman you worry, that's normal. You have to understand the amount of slut shaming that'll happen if someone uses this against me, but I trust you ... It's not that, okay ?" She replied, stroking his cheek and pushing herself up to plant a soft kiss on his lips._

 _"I get it. I would never do that. Okay, then what's this about, hm ?" He asked, running his hand down her thighs. He heard her quietly gasp at the sensation, and smirked to himself. With April, even the slightest touch was enough. Her sensitivity to his actions turned him on more than he'd ever admit._

 _"I ... can't concentrate when you do that." She said, grasping his hand and bringing it up to her lips to softly place to kiss on his palm. "It's insecurity issues and stuff, you know the deal. Just ... Take it, okay."_

 _She let go of his hand, looked straight on to the camera smiling. He paused a while, moving the lens out of the way and dropping a kiss to the space between her breasts._

 _"I love every single inch of you. You should too. Not because I love it, but because you love it. That's how self confidence works. Okay ?" He murmured, his gaze directed at her, although his mouth was still on her skin._

 _She silently nodded, a deep blush evident on her face. He quickly snapped a picture, because in that moment, her skin flushed, her eyes gazing lovingly into his, she had never looked more beautiful._

 _"I love you." He said, placing the camera on the night stand and leaning down to kiss her, before flopping down on the bed next to her._

 _"Well this will last me through Christmas." He joked, winking back at her._

 _He was going to visit April's family for the first time, and although he'd already met her parents, it had still been terrifying for him. It would be the first time he'd meet them as her boyfriend, and as far as he knew, April's father kept a very real, very much loaded gun at his house. His worries had been for nothing he later learned. The Kepner's were warm people, the kind of family he'd always dreamt of having. Sure, her dad hasn't been receptive to him at first, but by the end of the trip, he'd pass a right of passage - gotten a pig named after him._

 _"You perv !" She replied, smacking him across the chest, laughing aloud at his comment, "Can you go for 3 days without thinking about sex, please ?" She replied, clearly teasing his inability to keep his hands off her._

 _"No can do, babe."_

 _April giggled, edging closer to him, resting her chin on top of his chest._

 _"Hey, I'm so glad you're going to Ohio." She smiled at him, and he couldn't help but smile back at her, because as terrified as he had been, seeing her happy had made it all worth it._

 _They had laid there quiet for a while, his hands slowly stroking her skin, until she had broken the silence._

 _"Jackson, are you ever going to ask me to go to Boston with you ?" She asked, tentatively. Jackson remembered panicking in that moment, but he soon realised she was truly curious as opposed to upset._

 _"Um ... sure." He replied, failing miserably at avoiding the question. He wasn't really in the mood to explain to April the complexities of his family relationships._

 _He saw she was now beginning to get upset even though she hadn't been at first. He should have known that avoiding the question would only raise more questions from her. He saw her stare at him, an expression of hurt eventually crossing her features. He knew immediately what she was thinking._

 _"Oh no no no. If you're thinking for even a second that the reason I'm hesitant to take you home has anything to do with you, I'm going to be really offended. You should know better than that. I love you, and I want to ... I don't know, shout from a rooftop about how you're mine so don't you dare. Plus, you met my mom. She loves you. That's enough family right there."_

 _"Jackson, I adore your mom too, but I want to meet the rest of your family. Your cousins ... and friends." She replied._

 _"I have one friend from college I still keep in touch with and he lives in China, so if he ever visits, then by all means, you can meet him and my cousins are nothing like you think they are. They aren't going to be happy for me because I'm in a relationship. If anything they'll be offended that I'm with you because I love you and not because you benefit the Avery family in some way. Avery relationships are like contractual agreements so trust me, you do not want to meet my cousins." He said._

 _"Okay, fine, then I want to meet your grandad. And before you say anything, it has absolutely nothing to do with him being Harper Avery. I couldn't care less. The only reason I want to meet him is because he's your closest family after your mom."_

 _"April, my grandad is nothing like you're imagining him. He's not ... warm. He's distant and cold and you'll probably hate him after spending 5 minutes with him. He'll make snide remarks about your specialty and do everything he can to intimidate you as much as possible. Then, he'll tell me to get my head out of the gutter and focus on the medicine because 'Averys are born into greatness' and having a life outside work will hold me back. There you go, that's pretty much you meeting my grandad."_

 _"I can handle it." She replied, shrugging her shoulders._

 _"I know you can. But you shouldn't have to. No one should." He sighed._

 _"Like you ?"_

 _"April ... I just - I don't understand why you're so insistent."_

 _"Because I love you ! And I want to know the man I love inside and out. That includes figuring out how he grew up and the people he grew up with. Jackson, he's your family. And no matter how crazy your family drives you, you bear with it and love them regardless. Because that's what family does."_

 _"No that's what YOUR family does. I knew you wouldn't understand, I just ..."_

 _"Okay okay I'm sorry. I didn't mean to push it. I'm sorry. I love you."_

 _He reluctantly accepted her kiss. He wasn't mad at her. He was mad at the fact that he didn't grow up in a normal enough family that he could feel confident taking his girlfriend home and not be scared to death that she'd leave him the moment they get back._

 _"Just ... Tell me one thing you love about your grandad, hm ? Please. For me ?"_

 _He sighed exasperatedly but they both knew that he'd never deny her anything._

 _"Let's see ... He's a great surgeon. Brilliant, really. I respect that. I'm ... proud sometimes you know." He was hitting the tip of the iceberg and he knew it. If he wanted to satisfy her he'd have to be a lot better than that and he knew it. "Okay, also, we go to a Celtics game. Every year. Together. It's kind of weird how out of all the things we'd bond over, it was basketball. Um ... My ... dad, well he's the reason we both got into basketball. He was crazy about it. Maybe I love it because we get to pretend we have a normal relationship one day a year, pretend that we don't spend the majority of our lives trying to tip toe around the way we changed after ... him. We get to pretend that he doesn't try to make me the son he lost and I don't try to challenge him at every point to prove to myself I'll never be my father ... Or maybe, I get to pretend that I'm going to a game with my dad and he gets to pretend he still has his son around. I don't know what we get out of it to be honest, but ... Whatever it is, it's nice."_

 _She had taken him by surprise then, kissing him vigorously. She moved up towards his lap, straddling him, leaning forward to press her forehead against his._

 _"You are an incredible man and I am so lucky that you're mine." She said, rubbing her nose softly against his. It was their thing, he had noted. Although both of them had always been very vocal with the way the feel, sometimes he didn't have to. He'd caress her nose with his and he knew she understood exactly what he was trying to tell her._

 _"You know you're going to have to take me to Boston eventually right ?" She asked, but this time her voice was more teasing._

 _"I know." He replied, running his hands on either side of her thighs, swiftly flipping them over, earning him a squeal from April._

 _"When you're ready." She said, arching her back when he lovingly caressed her inner thighs._

 _"You know what I am ready for though ?" He replied, smirking at her as he pressed his hardness against her thigh._

 _She laughed jovially, pulling him down towards her to kiss him soundly on the lips._

* * *

He had eventually taken her to Boston, the year after that conversation, for the Harper Averys. It has turned out he had been worried for nothing. She had charmed the pants out of Harper, winning his heart completely. It had been a tough introduction, Harper maintaining his cold, disengaged mannerism, until chance had come and Jackson had had to leave April alone with Harper for an hour. When he returned home, they were watching one of Harper's old surgeries, and his grandfather, who rarely ever smiled, was laughing loudly at whatever commentary April was making. Jackson knew he should've never doubted it. April was real, she was down to earth and modest. She was kind and loving and it was obvious to anyone who gave her their time of the day that she had nothing but the purest of intentions.

"So I called Harper and he said he'll reschedule a surgery to come. Isn't that sweet ?" April said, snapping him out of his memory. He smiled and nodded even though he knew that had more to do with her than him.

"Thank you. This means ... a lot." He replied, unable to fully formulate how much it meant to him exactly. It wasn't the tickets, sure the fan in him was excited, but it was what those tickets meant. She was making sure that he didn't miss out on his relationship with Harper, because she knew he was the closest thing he had to a father. He appreciated the way she looked after him, even if they weren't together.

"My pleasure." She replied, blushing at his gaze.

Their moment was interrupted by the doorbell. He got up and went to answer the door, opening it to find Mara standing in front of him.

"Hi !"

"Hey ... uh what are you doing here ?" He said, hoping that whatever she needed didn't require her coming in.

"I think I left - April. Hey !" Mara said, waving past him.

He really wished this wasn't happening right now.

"Hi Mara. How's uh ... How's the holidays ?" April asked, evidently uncomfortable with the situation.

"Cold and angry, actually. It doesn't even snow in Seattle." Mara replied, shrugging her shoulders in discontent.

"Exactly what I was saying ! I would be fine with the cold ..."

"If it at least snowed." Mara finished her sentence, laughing along with the redhead. Jackson wasn't sure if he was entirely okay with them bonding. He knew the reason April was trying to be so friendly was because she wanted to support him in his new relationship. Except this wasn't a relationship and he wanted her to be jealous, instead of seemingly totally okay with it.

"Anyway, um ... I should probably get going." April said, starting to make her way to the door.

"Oh, you can stay. I actually just came back to get my coat. I left it here last night." Mara said.

He really wished she hadn't insinuated that she'd been here last night. He knew she didn't mean anything by it, but he could see the shift in April's attitude all of a sudden. The jealousy he had longed to see only broke his heart a little more.

"No I mean I should get going, anyway, I ... uh ... I have to go buy gifts for my other friends and stuff. You know how crazy it gets closer to Christmas. I will ... see you two around. Bye." April quickly muttered, swiftly exiting the house, after an awkward wave.

He sighed, watching April get into the lift, angry at himself and, although this was quite unfair,angry at Mara for ruining the moment. If they were even having a moment that is, he thought. For all he knew he could have just been imagining it in his head.

"So if you're done longingly staring at your ex-girlfriend, can I please have my coat ?" Mara said, interrupting his thoughts. Jackson began to stutter out an excuse, taken back by her bold declaration, until she put up her hand indicating him to stop.

"Look, I knew you were still very much in love with April when we started sleeping together. You don't go from not being able to keep your hands off of each other to being completely platonic. Seriously, you two know you're in public, right ? Get a room. Why did you break up anyway ?" Mara asked.

"I ... Uh ..."

"Alright fine you don't want to tell me, don't. Look, I don't care for relationships. I don't. I may never even want to be in one ... ever. But you're not me. You may act like this casual thing works for you and it may even have worked for you in the past, but then you met April, right ? And then you realised that relationships are pretty awesome if you're with the right person ? Textbook stuff. I did psych as my minor. I mean, Catherine loves her. And Harper ... He rarely even smiles and he looked like a kid walking in a candy store the day she came to visit Mass Gen and he walked around introducing her to everyone."

Jackson was completely shocked at the amount of information Mara knew about his relationship. Before this year, they'd met once at Mass Gen, when he'd come to collect April after his grandad, as Mara had noted, finished showing off his new favorite person.

"How do you ..."

"I'm not a stalker, don't worry. Anyone with eyes can see how all over each other you two were. Look, I'm not your friend so I'm not going to give you a pep talk or something but ... April is sweet. She's quite adorable actually, and if she was into girls, I'd be sleeping with her, not you." She continued, drawing a look of surprise from Jackson.

"You're ..."

"Bisexual ? Yep. You're both good people and you deserve to be happy, so I am going to stop sleeping with you so you can stop using us as one of the excuses as to why you can't get back together with her. Don't deny it, I know you do it. Oh and the other excuse is what ? The cute paramedic she's dating ? Really ? You can take him. So, if you don't mind I'll have my coat now so I can get going. Thanks." She finished her speech, extending her arm forward.

"Er ... Right. Yes. The coat." He quickly grabbed it and handed it over to her.

"See ya. Make me not getting laid for a while worth it, Jackson. Merry Christmas." Mara said, as he closed the door behind him.

After the initial shock of the conversation had died off, he actually found the whole situation hilarious. Afther all, e wasn't upset at all about the fact that he was no longer seeing her; he merely hadn't expected it to end that way. With her schooling him about his mistakes with April. He shrugged the whole thing off, realising that even if he dealt with Mathew, nothing would change. They were still too different to work. At least that's what he'd keep telling himself until it got easier. He was too afraid to marry her and she really wanted to.

He noticed his phone ringing, and saw that it was his grandfather calling. Speak of the devil, Jackson thought, hitting the answer button.

"Hey Grandpa."

"Jackie ! April called me and told me about the tickets she got you. Did you two get back together ?"

"No grandpa, we didn't ... We're playing ... um ... She just decided to give her gift in early, that's all."

There was a significant pause on the other side of the line, before Harper replied.

"Oh."

They continued to remain silent, each unsure of what to say to the other. Jackson knew he was disappointed, the initial tone of happiness completely gone from his voice, replaced with the business like tone of Dr Harper Avery, the man he battled to ends with.

"So how's the board doing ?"

Jackson finally asked, breaking the awkward silence.

"Oh cut the crap, Jackson. You don't care about the board. I mean, I wish you did. Of course. But let's give it a rest for a minute. I don't want to fight you. I want you to know, however, that out of all the idiotic decisions you've made in your life, agreeing to break up with April was the dumbest one so far."

"Thanks grandpa, you're so nice."

Jackson replied, sarcasm evident in his tone. It wasn't that he disagreed with his granddad. He had known it was the single biggest mistake he'd ever make in his life right after it had happened, but he had already gotten a lecture from one person today. He didn't need another one.

"You know I'm right."

"You're the one who's always told me that relationships don't matter. Legacies do. You've told me that multiple times."

"And when have you ever listened to me ? This has nothing to do with me and you know it. This has to do with ..."

Jackson knew what he was hinting at. He was surprised that Harper didn't know that having that conversation with him was the equivalent poking a very angry bear.

"It doesn't have to do with that, not everything in our lives has to do with that. He's not that important."

He heard Harper sigh on the other end of the life.

"Then ... you're what ? Rebelling against me ? I tell you I like her and suddenly you don't ?"

He was livid at the point. He would never do that to April. Never use her as a plot to anger his grandfather. He hated anyone undermining his love for her.

"You think I would ever use April that way. I love her so much, how dare you even -"

"Exactly my point ! You love her. You still do. So what happened ?"

It was Jackson's turn to sigh. He didn't need this. Especially not from Harper, a man who until very recently had never involved himself in Jackson's life.

"We're not going to sit around and pretend we suddenly talk about my private life. You don't get to not care for years and then suddenly care a lot. It doesn't work like that."

"You're right."

"Look, I gotta go-"

Jackson was about to end the call when Harper interrupted.

"I ... I should've made up for you not having your father around. I didn't. I regret that. I regret letting him leaving affect what we had. You're so much like him, Jackie. It was hard ... to be around you. I just ... This girl is something really special. I can tell. She's going to fix you. You have to let her."

"I have to go now."

"You're not going to walk out on her, Jackson. You're a lot like him, but you're not him."

He was speechless for a while. This was his fear. The reason he was afraid of getting married. What if it was restraining? What if it suffocated him ? Was that what had happened with his father ? Is that why he left ? Would he leave too ? Is that what marriage and legacy does ? It makes people leave. Would the pressure of his legacy get to him so much that he would one day be compelled to break the vows he made to April. Would he hurt her the way his father had hurt his mother ? He never thought Harper would be the person to understand.

"Wha- I ..."

"I know a lot more than you think."

He did, Jackson thought. But he wasn't ready to admit it to himself. It was a hard conversation. It required bringing to light years of grief he'd refused to deal with.

"I'm getting a page I have to go."

"Alright, just ... think about it."

"Bye grandpa."

Jackson ended the call, thinking about how absolutely weird today had been. He got schooled by the last two people he had ever thought would hold his mistake over his head. But then he looked at the table, noticing the 2 tickets and realised maybe this was a sign. The universe repeatedly telling him that maybe it's not too late to correct his wrongs. Here was this girl that loved him so much that she had taken the time to open him up, make him vulnerable, discover his flaws and love him, not despite them, but because of them. They were made for one another, complete strangers could see it. However, he figured getting her back was selfish. He would hurt her eventually. Wouldn't he ? Maybe he wouldn't. He didn't know. But he knew the one thing his grandfather was unequivocally right about - she really was something special. He was just afraid of burning her out.

* * *

 **THANK YOU FOR READING ! Please let me know what you thought by leaving a review. :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hi everyone ! Hope your having a lovely New Year :) I had this chapter written for over 2 weeks now but my laptop broke and I only got it back today. So I am so sorry for the late upload. Thank you, as always, for you kind words - it always warms my heart that you enjoy my stories. This chapter is from April's POV and is a little longer than the other ones because it'll be the only chapter from her POV. I hope you all enjoy ! :)**

 _ **Disclaimer : I do not own the characters, they are property of Shonda Rhimes and Grey's Anatomy**_

* * *

 **22nd of December**

April had, since she was a little girl, been absolutely fascinated with snow. She figured it had to with her love of Christmas, it being particularly easy to get into the Christmas spirit when snow was in abundance. This made the fact that it barely snowed in Seattle a constant bummer. So when she woke up this morning to Seattle covered with, albeit a very thin, coat of snow, her reaction equaled that of a 6 year old. So here she was, clad only in a big coat covering her pyjamas, wearing her snow boots, in her small garden, making snow angels on the ground. Her neighbours were going to assume she was mentally unstable but she didn't really care about that right now.

"See, now I came to pick you up to take you to the hospital for work, but something tells me I might have to make a stop at the pscyh ward." She quickly sits up straight, when she hears Jackson's voice behind her, blushing slightly at having been caught by him.

"IT SNOWED !" She yelled, picking up a fistful of snow and throwing it around her. She grinned back at him, to find him looking back at her with amusement.

"I can see that. Now come on, we have to get to work and I don't need you dying from hypothermia." He extended his hand, indicating for her to take it. She shrugged it off, her body tingling at the contact she had made with his arm. She hated how the slightest touch, the mere brush of his fingertips against her skin left her feeling like she was on fire. It really wasn't helping her.

"We don't have to leave for another hour ! I don't even know why you're here so early. Let's just please sit down and enjoy the snow, please." She smiled up at him, knowing he had never been able to resist her puppy dog eyes.

"Fine, but you have to wear my turtleneck. I know you're freezing. You don't feel the cold right now because you're on an adrenaline rush but the moment you go inside your whole body is going to feel like it's frozen." He said, not waiting for an answer to take it off, handing it to her and putting his coat back on.

"But you'll freeze !" She exclaimed, as he sat down next to her.

"I'll be fine. Promise. I can retain heat. Your body on the other hand kinda sucks at doing that so ..." He said, shrugging his shoulders. His face immediately changed however when he realised what he had said. She smiled sadly as well, a tint of red evident in her cheeks. It took knowing a person quite … intimately to know how much heat radiates off their bodies. Also, she knew he was thinking about the times when she'd cuddle up into him, perched on his lap, her arms around his neck and her legs intertwined with his, hoping to get warmed up. It wasn't a memory she wanted to ponder over, especially considering how thinking about how they used to be always made her want to cry. She had started off the morning happy, and was determined to keep it that way.

She slowly put the turtleneck over her head, and discreetly smelled the inside of its collar, revelling in the fact that it was the perfect blend of his favourite cologne, the dunking donuts coffee he drank every morning and managed to spill on his shirt every single time and a smell so distinct to him she could identify it anywhere. She wasn't entirely happy that he was cold at her expense but she did love the way the turtleneck smelled like him. His coat she'd snagged from him when they were together, the one she'd kept after she left him because she had slept with it on for a good month after, had now begun to smell like her. So this was a treat.

She knew she had no right to feel this way. After all, she's the one who ended it. He had wanted to get an apartment together and a dog and she had wanted something more, marriage to be precise and so she had left him. It didn't mean she stopped loving him though. She didn't think that was possible now that she thought about it. She hadn't really been thinking clearly that night and the next morning she had almost run to him, but she held her resolve. She had changed a lot after Jackson, she was different because of him. She had never imagined being so liberal and independent when it came to her religion and she had never thought she'd lose her virginity well before her marriage. But those aspects, as freeing as they were to her, made her want to cling on to the things that she had wanted from her childhood that she could still have, married with a family being one of them. She had been so sure at the time that this was the best decision for both of them. That they would both be happier if they went different ways. But sometimes, and if she was been really honest, most of the time, she wondered how on earth she was ever going to find someone that she could ever love even half as much as she loved him. She'd be lying if she said there weren't times when she wanted to say screw marriage and walk up to him and kiss him senseless and ask him to take her back, but something always held her back. She still couldn't decide how important it was to her to be his wife and not his girlfriend. She had been taught to never settle for less than what she wanted and she knew from the bottom of her heart that Jackson deserved so much more than someone who loved him but constantly expected more. And even if she did figure it out, he had Mara, a fact she tried so hard to be happy about, no matter how miserably she failed at it.

"I … have your second present with me actually." He spoke up, breaking her inner monologue, looking up at her in excitement. She was amused at how enthusiastic he was about something he was initially whining about.

"I have yours too ! Go in and bring it. It's on the coffee table in the living room." She watched him get up and go to retrieve it, coming out of the house carrying the large basket of favours with a boyish grin on his face.

"A GAG GIFT ? Oh this is awesome !" He practically bounced towards her, plopping down in front of her depositing the basket of goodies. She had gotten him a custom basket of 'fake bacon flavored' goodies, ranging from bacon chewing gum all the way to bacon toothpaste. Jackson's sense of humour was very specific, he very rarely laughed at stupid, senseless things, opting for smarter humour. But gag gifts were the exception. He found them absolutely entertaining. The day she'd gotten him a Bath and Body works home spa set after he had used her strawberry cupcake scented body wash by mistake and proceeded to be teased mercilessly by Alex the entire day, he had confessed to her that she found the whole concept of gag gifts endearing; it was a physical representation of an inside joke. She hadn't realised he was so sentimental.

"Oh my god this tastes awful." He commented popping a 'bacon toffee' into his mouth, laughing at the ridiculous amount of treats she had gotten him.

"I thought you could use this. I know how much you miss Bacon and this is closest I could find to it." She replied, watching him spit out a bacon mint.

"Oh yeah, this definitely satisfies my cravings." He replied sarcastically, opening a packet of bacon chocolate drops.

During a Christmas visit to the farm in Ohio, Jackson, in a hilarious turn of events, had ended up helping April and her father deliver their pregnant sow's babies, and as a result had the opportunity to have a new baby pig named after him. Before their return to Seattle Jackson had warmed up so much to the little pig that he had vowed to never eat bacon. Being that bacon was one of his favorite foods, April recalled the constant struggle he had had sticking to his resolve. She loved coming home to find him moping because Alex had eaten a bacon burger in front of him, convinced he was doing it to drive him mad - not that April found this theory to be wrong.

"This is surprisingly edible ! I love this. Thank you !" He said, grinning, "Okay, so … my turn. You clearly won the last round so hopefully I've done better this time."

April opened her mouth to protest but was quickly interrupted by Jackson asking her to turn around and close her eyes.

"Jackson, if this is jewelry, I swear I will …"

"Okay, you can open them !"

April sighed, opening her eyes and immediately gasping in surprise.

"Jackson … this is … oh my god."

"I'm going to take it that you like it ?" He asked, a proud smirk spreading across his face.

"Of course I do !" She replied, rolling her eyes at his smirk, her mind still unable to wrap around what he had gotten her.

He'd clasped around her neck, a small and beautiful necklace which held a pendant in the shape of a stethoscope connected to a cross placed inside a heart. It was detailed and complex and yet was so tasteful and elegant. But what caused tears to prickle in the back of her eyes was the message behind this. Why this particular piece of jewelry, why this pendant. Her religion was a milestone in their relationship, a good and bad one. She knew exactly why he had gotten this for her.

* * *

 _April had been sitting in the confessional stand for a good 10 minutes now. She had purposely waited until everyone has had their turn just so she was sure she wanted to confess in the first place. After almost quitting a few dozen times, she'd finally made the decision that maybe a confession will finally help her come to terms with what had happened last week. But there she was now, sitting in the stand, the priest patient as ever, only asking her one more time what she would like to confess, unable to formulate a sentence. She wondered how one goes about confessing her particular situation. She could be as vague as possible and hope he got the hint, 'I have had relations with a man, father. I am no longer pure.' It sounded absolutely ridiculous, like she wa in a terrible 1940s sitcom. So she could be blatant, 'I had sex with my boyfriend of two months. I am no longer a virgin. I don't know how to feel about that because I really loved every single second of it ... a lot." But she figured that the latter was bound to give her priest a heart attack. So here she was with no idea whatsoever as to how to put the whole thing forward._

 _"My child, are you ready for the confession ?" Father Thomas, asked, his voice dripping with genuine concern. He was probably worried she was dead or something, April thought._

 _"Um ..." She was almost going to say it, but she couldn't. Maybe it had more to do with the fact that she wasn't ready to come to terms with it herself. "I ... I have to go."_

 _She quickly gotten up and run from the stand, not looking back to see if he had come outside to see who it was that had wasted so much of his time. She felt bad, admittedly. So she'd decided that the next best thing to do was to go to the grocery store next to the church and get herself one of those Ben and Jerry's individual cups she treated herself to every Sunday after church. She figured it probably wasn't the healthiest thing in the world, but she ate pretty healthy most of the week and rarely had a sweet tooth if it wasn't for ice cream. She picked one up and walked over to the park and picked her favorite bench before she sat down to eat._

 _It had been pretty peaceful for a while, until a voice, which belonged to the person she'd been avoiding for a good week now, interrupted it._

 _"So, when you used to secretly sneak off somewhere every Sunday, I used to think you were going all part time spy on us but you're actually going to church and guilt eating ice cream. I should've known."_

 _She gasped, almost dropping her cup, quickly turning around to identify the voice. Jackson stood right behind her bench, looking at her with a smirk on his face, although the smile didn't reach his eyes._

 _"Jackson ... I ... uh ... How did you-" April really hadn't expected to see him here._

 _"Uh, I didn't stalk you, promise. I just kinda followed you around ... without you knowing ... to find out where you're going, yeah, okay I was stalking. Just ... I have good reasons, I promise," He said, coming around to stand next to her, pointing towards the space asking for permission to sit next to her. She obliged, scooting away, giving him some space, making sure there was a considerable distance between them. "See, here's the problem. I recently had sex with my absolutely amazing in every way girlfriend and I personally thought it was pretty incredible but I'm kind of worried, you see because when I woke up the next day, she kind of freaked out and ran out on me and has since refused to even acknowledge my presence. And I ... have absolutely no idea what to think about it."_

 _April cringed at his straightforward approach to the issue. He'd pretty much summed up her entire week since ... that day. She had lost her virginity. She was no longer a virgin. And still to this day, every time she said it out loud she was mixed with a whole bunch of contradicting emotions that made absolutely no sense to her. She felt sad, angry, frustrated but also happy, ecstatic and this one emotion she couldn't place which had made her want to jump Jackson whenever he so much as said her name._

 _"April ... I ... I mean, I can assure you that if it was that bad, it could probably most likely be because it was your first time. I can assure you I'll get bett-"_

 _"Oh no. God no, it wasn't ... it wasn't ... um ... It was really ... It felt really good. I mean, I loved every single sec- uh ... Yeah, it's not ... THAT." She replied, laughing in frustration. Because this right here was the worst part of all this. April had being raised to not believe in sex before marriage. Sure, most of it had to do with her church and her promise to Jesus which she valued a lot, being a devout Christian, but it also had a lot to do with her own reasons. She wanted to wait for her husband, because for her, sex was special, it meant something more than a means to an end. Not that April thought there was anything wrong with viewing sex in that manner, to each their own she figured, but to her, it symbolized a sense of complete trust and adoration towards another person. So the fact that she had lost her virginity to someone who wasn't her husband made her unhappy for more reasons than just one._

 _"Okay ... then what's wrong ?" He asked, interrupting her thoughts._

 _"Noth- nothing's wrong. I- I have to ..."_

 _"You go to church ? I didn't know that ... I didn't know you were religious. Why didn't you tell us ?" He asked, softly placing a hand on her thigh._

 _"Please, Jackson. Like I could've told anyone that." She replied, scoffing at the idea._

 _"Why not ?"_

 _"Why not ? Because I'm weird enough already. Add believes in God to that list, and they'll not only think I'm a complete weirdo but also think that I'm a bad doctor." She really couldn't understand why he didn't get her need to hide this fact. She had wanted to fit in, craved it more than anything after years of being the outsider. And she didn't want anything to affect that. It hurt her that her faith should disadvantage her, she respected their lack of belief so why couldn't why respect hers ?_

 _"Why would anyone-" Jackon asked, looking confused._

 _"Because you have to put all your faith in medicine. 100% of it. I don't. I also put faith in God, and ... you KNOW they're going to judge me for that. You know that, don't-"_

 _"Okay, okay. Just ... why didn't you tell me ?" He surrenders, raising his arms and nodding his head, letting her know she was right._

 _"Jackson, you told me explicitly when we first started that you don't believe in the concept of religion. Remember, the patient that refused to get a blood transfusion because of their beliefs ? You were perfectly clear how you felt about people like me." She replied, eyes darting towards the ground._

 _"April, I didn't ... I'm sorry I didn't make you feel comfortable enough you didn't feel like you could tell me something this important about yourself." He said, sighing heavily, the honesty of his statement evident in his eyes._

 _"It's alright."_

 _"I ... um ... I don't believe ... at all, really. So I don't really understand why you do, but ... I do respect your right to believe or not believe in whatever you want. Is that ... is that not enough ? Is that why you- Does it matter a lot ? The fact that I don't believe ?" He turned his body towards her, fingers reaching out almost as if he wanted to touch her but unsure whether she'd let him. She both wanted him to and didn't. She couldn't trust herself all that much anymore._

 _"Not really, no. Kind of." She replied, truthfully, "I was a virgin for a lot of reasons. Some you already know ... Boys not liking me and stuff ..."_

 _"Well, just to be clear, this boy right here likes you very very much." He replied, grinning widely, although she knew he hated it when she put herself down._

 _"And I like him too ... very very much. But I was also a virgin ... because of Jesus. I wanted to wait, until ... um marriage. I wanted my first time ... to be with my ... husband. And ..." She looked up at him, seeing him register this fact._

 _"And I'm not your husband."_

 _He leaned back against the bench, stretching his feet ahead of him and gazing upwards. She didn't really know what to say at this point and she knew he didn't either. It was a pretty big revelation, one she knew it her heart she probably should've done earlier on in their relationship._

 _"Do you regret it?" He finally asked, still staring at the sky, but she didn't need to see his face to know how much the possibility of it would hurt him._

 _"No. I don't. I mean, I regret how ... soon it happened but not that it happened. Jackson, it's not like I thought you'd wait for marriage. I knew what dating you would entail and ... I wanted to. I wanted to have sex with you. I just ... didn't think it would happen so fast." And that was the truth. She knew he wasn't the type to wait until marriage and she hadn't expected him to, albeit at the time she didn't know that there would be no marriage to wait for. Regardless, she'd expected this would happen but hoped that if it did happen, it would be at a point in their relationship where she was sure that he'd want to be with her for the rest of his life; where it didn't matter that they had sex before marriage because this would end up being the only man she'd ever be with. Not 2 months into their relationship. Never that soon. Sure, she already had a good idea about her feelings towards him, but it was all so new and fast and she wasn't sure he felt the same way. She just wished she had had more will power to resist him for a little longer. At least up until she was sure he was as serious about her as she was beginning to become about him._

 _"You should have told me that. I would've waited until you were ready." Jackson said, scooting closer towards her._

 _"I know. I'm sorry." She replied, scooting further away from him towards the absolute edge of the bench._

 _They sat there in silence, the ice cream melting into a puddle in her cup. She got up and discarded it in the bin, has a quick second panic attack where she contemplates running away but decides against it knowing that if he got this far there was a big possibility Jackson would chase after her and also, she owed him this much. An honest conversation. She walked back to the bench, making her way to take her seat on the hard steel bench, when she feels his hands wrap around her wrist and pull her towards him. He pulled her on to his lap, resting one hand across his neck and clasping the other in his right hand, interlocking his fingers with hers. She was supposed to pull away, she knew that. The proximity she was in to his body was not at all helping her conviction to no longer have lust filled thoughts about Jackson. She'd be lying if she said she didn't absolutely love sitting on his lap. It was the fact that she felt safe in his arms, cocooned in their own little world where they could block out white noise. She was never one for public affection but she could never resist him pulling her towards him, tucking her safely into his body, where her tiny being would disappear into his larger body. She rested her head on his shoulder, faintly feeling the beating of his heart against her cheek. ._

 _"What can I do ?" He murmured quietly against her hair._

 _This was why she couldn't get enough of him, April thought. He was one of the kindest people she had ever met. Through all if this, her freak out, her running out on him and leaving him wondering for a whole week, his concern was what he could do for her. She knew how she'd be an absolute idiot if she let this go._

 _When she didn't reply, he slowly lifted her face up to face him, leaning forward and planting a soft kiss against her lips. No matter how short the kiss was it didn't fail to make April feel like she'd run a mile. This wasn't real. People don't feel this way in real life._

 _"I think that you balance your faith and medicine really well. I mean, no one even knew that after you'd done everything you could in surgery using the gift God gave you, you go to an on call room and pray that the patient gets better. It helps, I guess. Having something else to put your faith in. You're an incredible doctor, and I think being religious has made you a better doctor if nothing else." He said._

 _He had a point, she figured. She'd never judged others based on her belief and so she'd never had a point in which her religion affected her performance in the hospital. And he was right, her belief that healing people was her purpose in life, God's plan for her, made her a better doctor. Helped her understand her priorities better. It made her smile that he understood her better than sometimes she did. And to think they'd only been together a couple of months._

 _"Thank you for saying that." She blushed, softly kissing his cheek._

 _"It's the truth, baby." He grinned back at her, teasing her with his terms of endearment he knows she's still shy about hearing him use._

 _"Look, I know it's complicated to date me and to figure out how your religion plays into that. So, how about we do that together, hm ? I'll wait for as long as it takes for you to realize that being intimate with me doesn't mean that you're betraying your religion. I'll help you figure the whole thing out. I promise." He replied, cupping her cheek and running his thumbs across the edges of her face._

 _"Why are you doing this ?" She asked, the shock on her face quite evident. She had never had anyone try to understand her the way Jackson did. Most people got exasperated with her and her quirks and they left. She couldn't understand for the life of her why this man chose to care for her the way he did._

 _"Because ... I feel things about you that I don't think I'm going to say out loud just yet because I think you're freaked out already about how fast this relationship is going." He replied._

 _The hint was not lost to her, but she couldn't believe what she was hearing. Did he just say ... Did he just confess that he was falling in love with her ? So soon ? He was feeling the very thing she was afraid only she was beginning to feel._

 _"It wasn't just sex ?" She asked, with genuine surprise._

 _"Never." He replied, the sincerely._

 _"Okay."_

 _"Okay."_

 _She had saved herself for her religion, but also so she could be with a man who loved her. And he did, he loved her. She wasn't letting him go. Sure, she was still riddled with guilt and battling her faith and maybe this was inappropriate to assume but could it be that Jackson was God answering her prayers when she'd spent the majority of her childhood praying for a best friend who'd take the time of understand her and enjoy her company. And maybe he gave her one better; a lover, a partner. She wasn't going to lose him because of her own internal struggle. He's right. She balanced her faith when it came to medicine, she could balance her faith when it came to him as well. Maybe not today, but someday she'd accept what had happened but she could forgive herself enough right now to let herself be loved by an amazing individual. And she could love, in return._

 _"I um ... I'm not ready to say it right now, but ... I ... have a lot of feelings too." She replied, her gaze locked on her lap which nursed their intertwined hands._

 _"Okay."_

 _"Okay."_

 _"Come on, I'll get you some ice cream. I know this amazing place nearby that makes the best Sundaes. They also happen to make the best waffles in Seattle." He smirked, setting her down on her feet and clasping his fingers around hers._

 _"Of course you would know a place like that." She teased him, making fun of his never ending appetite._

 _"Excuse me, but would you want me to get my sugar fix before Church on Sundays because I can assure you I'll be extremely hyper and it's not going to look good on-"_

 _"Wait, wait ... Church ? Sunday ?" April asked, her big doe eyes staring up at him in confusion._

 _"You know for when I accompany my girlfriend to church. Can't have you leaving me for one of those church going guys." He replied, the tone of his voice clearly teasing._

 _"You'll go to church with me ?" She asked, her voice matching the emotion she felt in her heart. She felt herself begun to tear up at the thought._

 _"Of course. You're my girlfriend. I'm not going to leave you to figure out this whole thing by yourself." He said, slipping his hand from hers to pull her closer to him by her waist._

 _"I love you." She said out of the blue, although the gravity of what she just said only set in after she'd said it. She gasped, covering her mouth as if she'd just cursed at him. She could see she'd taken him by surprise, but could also see the faint outlines of a smile tugging at his lips. She'd just felt a surge of emotion not having expected him to say what he said._

 _"Oh gosh, I can't believe I ... Shoot. We said we'd wait and then I go and just say it and I'm such a-"_

 _Her words were muffled by his lips crashing into hers, ending her rambling._

 _"I love you too."_

* * *

She had eventually learned to balance her faith with her love for Jackson as she had done with medicine. He accompanied her to church, sat there with her in support and was constantly willing to listen to her if she was battling with her faith. He waited for her after that conversation until she was ready to be with him, guilt free, which had turned out to be only 2 months later. She loved that he cared for that aspect of her, although he didn't understand it. He had told her he wanted her to believe in miracles even if she believed in science and have faith her in her religion even when she loved him intimately. That was what the pendant represented. And that raised a whirlwind of emotions within her.

"Jackson, I can't take this … It's too much." She replied, trying her best to keep her emotions at bay. She wasn't sure what exactly she meant when she said too much. Sure, it looked extremely expensive, what with the white gold chain and diamond encrusted pendant, but she knew that that wasn't what she was referring to. This gesture was too much for her. How was she supposed to convince herself she was right in her decision to leave when he did things like this and reminded her that he knew her and accepted her and loved her unconditionally for who she was more than any other person in her life.

"Of course you can. I've been wanting to give this to you for a while." He said, shrugging his shoulders, adjusting the pendant on her neck. He took his hand away, smiling up at her. "It looks amazing on you."

"I love it so much … I … have no words, actually. It means more than you know." She said, and it was true.

"I still want you to not feel guilty about the things that make you happy. I love how important your faith is to you, but you know … I also love how far you've grown with your faith. You should … keep doing that … even if …" He looked up at her, communicating the words unspoken.

She nodded, her eyes glassy. She knew what he was saying. _Even if they weren't together_. She should be happy even if they weren't together.

"Thank you." She choked out, feeling his fingers brush her cheek, wiping away a stray tear. She wanted nothing more than to lean forward and kiss him. She wanted to tell him she loved him and kiss him. She wanted that more than anything. But this stupid situation she had put herself and him into meant all she could do was awkwardly stare at the ground because she was too weak to resist him.

"Well you definitely won this one." She replied, laughing along with him.

"Your bacon goodies did provide stiff competition though." He replied, only now taking his hand away from her face.

"I'll go get ready. We're going to be late otherwise. Oh and I have to run my plan for Jacob's surgery by Dr. Bailey."

He nodded, getting up and pulling her along with him. She went in, got changed and drove to the hospital with him, all the while doing her very best to not think about how absolutely special this gift was to her and why all of a sudden it has her questioning decisions she was trying her hardest not to think too much about.

"April !"

She walked in to the ER, Jackson by her side, and saw a familiar face standing by the nurses'desk, waving at her. She forced a smiled and started walking towards Mathew, who she saw stare suspiciously between her and Jackson. She felt like he'd caught them in an adulterous act, even though all they were doing was walking next to each other. Maybe it was the way she knew how she was betraying him with her thoughts about Jackson, but either way the whole thing felt awkward.

"We should prepare Jacob for his surgery tomorrow. I'll meet you in the attending lounge? " Jackson asked, ignoring Mathew's presence entirely. She knew he wasn't trying to be rude, but more so that for obvious reasons he wasn't a fan of Matthew and was probably pretending he didn't exist to be polite.

She nodded and watched him walk off. She felt Matthew's arms snake across her waist, dragging her towards him. He bent his head and slowly pecked her lips, and while on certain days she found it nice, today she cringed at the feeling and then cringed at the fact that she cringed at the feeling. It felt out of place and wrong and she felt bad for feeling that way.

"I could've picked you up this morning if you asked me." He said, placing a stray curl behind her ear and she wondered why unlike with Jackson her skin never tingled at the sensation.

"Oh no that's fine, I just … I hitched a ride with Jackson." She replied.

"Yeah I saw that." He said, his face scrunching in displeasure.

"Hey, no, it's nothing like that. We have a surgery together, you know the one I told you about … Jacob ? and we just wanted to get a head start on discussing the surgery, that's all." She said, placing a kiss on his cheek. She knew that that wasn't entirely too true. They hadn't even discussed carpooling together in the morning. On some days, he merely drove by her place and picked her up. It was a force of habit, something they had always done, and still occasionally do. A harmless explanation, really. But it was one she didn't want to give Matthew because maybe the gesture behind those rides weren't as platonic as she wants them to be. Maybe she doesn't want them to be. She didn't know.

"Okay. No, I mean, I trust you, of course, it's just … he's your ex and I know how- what is that ?" Her eyes followed the direction he was looking at and saw that he was talking about her necklace which had peeped in through her sweater.

"Oh um … It's just a necklace … Anyway- are you working until late-" She tried to divert the conversation, tucking the chain back into her chest.

"It's just I've never seen you wear that before," He said, interrupting her, "I mean, it's not the one you usually have with the cross you got from your parent's."

"Oh yeah, um … it's a different one. Jackson gave it to me for the whole secret santa thing Meredith got us doing, remember I told you about it. I honestly find the whole, wanting to celebrate Zola's last Christmas before the new baby thing so adorable … I mean, unlike Mer ? Sure, but -" She said, waving off the comment, trying her best to once again distract him by her rambles.

"I'm sorry, what ? You're wearing a necklace you're ex-boyfriend got you for Christmas ?" Mattthew asked, suddenly stepping out of their hold.

"Yes I mean, it's not a big deal, I-"

"Not a big deal ? April … I … People don't just give their ex's jewelry for Christmas," Matthew said, running his hand through his hair, "The whole stationery set thing was weird enough – I mean that must have cost a fortune … but THIS. This is ridiculous."

"Mattthew calm down … it's not like that. You're overthinking this. Stop, look, I …"

"Or maybe you're not thinking about this enough. So, you're going to, what, wear it ?" He asked.

"Well, yes, I mean … it was a gift. I'm not going to waste it by keeping it in a box. Look, I just don't think you need to make a big deal about this." She replied, holding on to the chain through her sweater, as if he was insulting it by treating with so much abhorrence.

"April what would you feel like if I went around wearing a chain my ex-girlfriend got me after we broke up ? Would you be completely fine with that ?"

She opened her mouth to reply, but realised that he was making a very valid point. The whole thing was weird. If he'd done it she would totally assume he was still hung up on his ex and dump him then and there. Maybe her own weird, 'friend-who-I'm-in-love-with-but-I-can't-love-because-we're-too-different' relationship with Jackson was making her think this situation was any different.

"Exactly. Look, April-"

"Matthew. We're leaving. Come on. Sorry April, but we gotta run." April looked up, as she saw Matthew's partner Nicole waving him towards her.

"Oh yes, no problem. I'll uh …" She looked up at him, unable to understand what he was thinking, "I'll see you later ?"

She saw him hesitate, but eventually he replied, "Yes."

She squeezed his hand one more time, letting him walk off. She finally let out a heavy sigh, walking towards the attending's' lounge. She wasn't sure if they were okay and she wasn't sure if that made her as unhappy as it should. This whole gift thing was really getting to her.

She walked into the attending lounge, expecting to see the root cause of her ongoing dilemma and instead opening the door to find an unpleasant looking Bailey, grumbling about the fact that the lounge wasn't some zoo for people to prance around naked, spilling food. She silently chuckled to herself as she realised that this definitely had something to do with Jackson changing clothes in the lounge and Alex's messy eating habits. She figured the two had been banished from the lounge until they've finished their respective businesses.

"Morning Dr. Bailey ! It snowed !" April remarked cheerfully, walking into the lounge and getting herself a cup of coffee.

"I am aware of that, Kepner, I have eyes. I hate snow. I hate the cold and I hate how difficult it is to drive in the snow. I hate that people like the stupid crystallised dirty ice water." Bailey replied, not taking her eyes away from the newspaper she was reading.

April sighed at the lack of enthusiasm on the part of her senior, knowing full well that being enthusiastic about snow is the last thing she should have expected Dr. Bailey to be.

"Dr. Bailey, I was wondering if I could run my surgical plan with you, I-"

"No."

"But-"

"No. You are not infants anymore. You are no longer babies. I did not raise you to come running to me every time you have to make decisions by yourself." Bailey commented, the scorn on her face deepening.

April realised there was only one more tactic left to use, "It's for Jacob's surgery."

She immediately saw the change in disposition of the female doctor, who turned around, now a small smile beginning to form, "It's tomorrow ?"

April nodded, knowing that she had already won the battle. Jacob's sweet disposition and loveable antics left no doctor untouched. He'd even seen Yang sneaking into the peds ward to give the little boy a chocolate muffin she'd sneaked in through his parents.

After only hesitating for a second, "Alright, tell me the plan. But this is the last time. You all need to learn to trust yourself to make decisions. I can't be babysitting you forever."

"Yes, well sometimes people make decisions and they're really bad decisions and then you're left wondering if you should have made that decision in the first place because even though it seemed like a really good decision at the start it is now seemingly less and less so and who knows if you made the right decision you know because what is the right decision anyway, I don't-"

"Kepner … KEPNER ! What on god's name are you rambling on about ?"

April looked away absolutely ashamed at unknowingly vocalising her inner debate. She hadn't meant to say it out loud.

"I … uh …"

"Is this about Avery ?"

April wasn't really sure how to respond to that.

"You're regretting breaking up with him ?"

"I mean, I-"

"Kepner, stop stuttering."

"Sorry Dr. Bailey" April replied, although it was evident in her face that she was still very much flustered.

"I swear, this whole hospital is a soap drama. Okay, I will give you 5 minutes. Tell me."

She stared at the surgeon, completely confused at the fact that she was actually taking the time to talk to her about something like this. wasn't exactly the type of person who would sit around, listening to personal grievances, but she did have a knack for hospital gossip. She would never admit it, but April did wonder that the term "I'm Bailey, I know everything" could only be facilitated with at least a slight participation in the gossip mill. She hesitated. This was the last person she'd imagine talking to about this, but then again, who else did she really have to talk about this to ? So, she figured, she might as well.

"He doesn't want to get married," She began, apprehensively looking to see the reaction she would receive from Dr. Bailey. When the latter motioned her to continue, huffing irritably at April's hesitation, she knew she should just reserve her confusion at the conversation she was about to have and get on with it. "I … um … I've always wanted to. Get married, that is. Since I was a little girl. It's just something I've always known about myself. Become a doctor, get married, have babies … you know the deal. I've always been super traditional on that front. And so … I don't know, I always assumed he would want to as well. But he doesn't …. so we broke up … and that's good … right ? yes it is, because Matthew … you know, he wants to get married and have babies and live in a country house with a freaking white picket fence and I should want that … I do … I just … I want it with someone else and that is just the worst …"

She ended her ramblings, noticing a clear shocked expression on the older surgeon, who looked a little taken back by the too honest confession. She quickly recovered, however.

" , is Matthew your Ben ?"

"I'm sorry, is he my – what ?"

"Your Ben ? Is Mathew your Ben ? Is he the boy you love so much you want to superglue yourself to him ?"

If April found the whole comparison completely weird and random she didn't let it show. But the more she really thought of it, it was clear that the answer to the unusual question wasn't something she really needed all that much time to think about.

"No." She replied, honestly.

"Is Avery your Ben ?"

She looked down at her hands, unwilling to admit to herself how fast she came up with the answer to that question.

"I … I – um …"She whispered, her face turning red from the embarrassment of having admitted it out loud.

"You know when I first started off as an intern, I never would have imagined I'd be the attending I am now. I was determined not to get lost in the pack, to be heard. I wasn't here to make friends or whatever other thing I used to think was stupid and a waste of time. I thought I'd turn out to be the mean attending, the one every single person in the hospital would be scared of and I did. I became that person. I loved it. This is what I wanted all along. Right ?" She asked April, waiting for her nod of confirmation. April silently nodded.

"What do you think Intern Baily would have thought about me. Acting like I've adopted a bunch of overgrown cry babies who as much as it pains me to admit I've grown to care about so much that I'm actually sitting here giving them relationship advice. I have Chief Webber and Torres and even Mark Sloan under a list of people I genuinely care about. And I met Ben. And I married him. I never …" She said, smiling to herself.

"Here's the thing about life … You come into it so strong willed and convinced that it will go one way because god help you you know the best, right ? Wrong. You meet people. And those people change you. They make you want things you didn't want before. They make you make sacrifices and they change you. And sometimes, as much as you don't want to change because you're the most stubborn person you know, you do change … because they're worth the sacrifice. You all were worth having to change my policy on babysitting grown ass adults, Torres and the lot were worth letting myself make friends in this place and Ben … he was worth pushing away all the fears I had about marriage because of my ex-husband. I am all for standing your ground, not letting people change you because I am a woman hear me roar. However, some people, , are worth changing for. So … I'll ask you again … is Avery your Ben ?"

April looked back at her, the answer just resting on the tip of her tongue, no doubt in her mind about it.

smiled knowingly, "Well, looks like you already know the answer."

April didn't reply, but merely looked down at her feet.

"Alright, now let's go back to the surgical plan. I don't need you two blotching up Jacob's surgery because of this high school nonsense." She said, waving her hands, although the maternal kindness hadn't entirely left her voice.

After she had left the attending's lounge in search of where Jackson had been banished to, April took some time to process what had just told her. She couldn't help but marvel at the brilliant insight her superior had given her. She was right. People changed, people made choices that were seemingly out of character. She had picked trauma instead of neuro because she'd met a mentor whose faith in her capabilities made her feel special, she'd decided to do her internship in Seattle and not in Ohio because on the day of her Mercy West interview she'd met a pixie haired girl called Reed from a small town in Texas who reminded her that sometimes you need to step out of your comfort zone and she'd lost her virginity to Jackson well before her marriage and eventually came to terms with it because she had realised that she could balance her faith and her sexuality for someone who loved her. People changed you sometimes. They made you want new things … and sometimes that was okay.

* * *

 **THANK YOU FOR READING !**

 **I would love it if you could leave behind a review letting me know what you thought of the chapter :)**

P.S : To the guest reviewer who said that she wasn't pleased with me suggesting Jackson slept around a lot - I'm sorry if I offended you but when I was writing his character in this fic (I changed his character a little for the High School AU) what I meant when I said "plenty of women" was that he had at least had 7-10 partners. I mean, we know about 6 of them from the show (April, Mara, Stephanie, Lexie and the 2 girls he lost his virginity to) and he's been having sex since he was 16. Again, sorry if I offended you :) Thank you for complimenting my writing :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello ! I really am sorry for updating late, but I have an exam coming and that combined with work takes up a lot of my time. Thank you for your lovely reviews though, and the site isn't letting me reply to anyone individually (sigh) so I am so so sorry about that but please know I am so incredibly grateful you take the time to leave one behind :)**

 **This chapter is quite long because the lovely reviewer 'JaprilmyHeart' asked for a longer chapter and it deals with the shooting episode, although some incidents in it isn't canon compliant (hope that's fine !) Anyway, please enjoy !**

 **Disclaimer : I do not own these character, they are property of Shonda Rhimes and Grey's Anatomy.**

* * *

 _ **25th of December**_

"Okay ... I guess." Jackson said out loud to himself, closing the book and standing back to appreciate his work. To say he had no skills in terms of creativity was an understatement. Although he was never sloppy, being the perfectionist plastic surgeon that he is, the fact that he was so hell bent on making this perfect meant that somewhere down the line his nerves had gotten the best of him and his work had ended up looking as though it had been done by a 2 year old. He sighed, realising that at least the person whom he would be delivering this to is the kind of person who believes in the whole, 'it's the thought that counts' shebang. He looked at the clock noticing how it was almost time for him to leave to Meredith's house, considering how the party would have begun an hour ago, but his little 'project' had taken him a lot longer than he'd expected.

He quickly put on his coat, the excitement bubbling within him as he walked out the door towards his car. He couldn't wait to see April, he had a good feeling that the gift he was giving her was certainly going to make her a happy camper because it was the exact opposite of what she would expect him to give her. He knew for a fact that his last gift had affected her a lot more emotionally than she'd been prepared for. He had caught her more times than one fumbling with the pendant, a distant look on her face and she had been constantly jumpy in his presence ever since.

Maybe that had been his plan, he wanted to ruffle her feathers a little bit. Maybe he wanted to see if she was just as unaffected by everything as she pretended to be. Maybe knowing that that wasn't the case gave him a sense of satisfaction, because lately he's been asking himself whether all of this was worth the fear that was holding him back. And lately the answer to that question has been quite different.

He walked into Meredith's house, the place bustling with activity and conversation. He recognized most faces from the hospital, Meredith being one to always stick to smaller groups and settings. However, the focus of his attention was on finding a particular red head whom had been a constant occupant in his mind, especially since the last couple of days. He patted Alex on the back, seeing him engage in conversation with an intern, marveling at the fact that Alex had spent very little time before making a move on the new crop. Before he could walk any further however, he spotted April. He would be lying if he said he didn't feel his blood rushing to a certain part of his body that made him feel like a complete pervert but seeing her standing near the fireplace, wearing a figure hugging red satin wrap dress, took every ounce of his being to control himself. She was the most beautiful woman he'd ever laid his eyes on. Innocent and sexy, beautiful and hot.

He snapped out of his trance, walking towards her, softly placing a hand on her hip to get her attention, smiling at the person she was conversing with. She instantly turned her attention towards him, her face lightening up when she recognized who the hand belonged to.

"Jackson ! Merry Christmas ! You're late." She placated him, a teasing smile running across her features. He could tell she was just starting to get a little tipsy, but he'd always enjoyed a tipsy April, one her most entertaining forms. "You look so handsome."

She giggles once more and he laughs at how adorable she is being. He knows she probably wouldn't have the confidence to tell him this if it wasn't for some liquid courage.

"Merry Christmas, April. Thank you, and you look …" He looks her over once more, taking in yet again how absolutely sinful she looks in her dress, tight around her waist with a deeper V neck than she was usually comfortable with.

She stares at him, and he realises he hadn't said anything, and was merely gawking at her.

"Sexy. Really sexy" He remarks, before he can think and stop himself.

She looks back at him, a little surprised at his boldness, but blushing deeply at the same time. He opens his mouth to say he was sorry, but then quickly closes it. He's not going to apologise for telling her she was sexy. He maybe crossing lines here, but something in him wanted to, and also, he wasn't going to say sorry for telling the truth. So he merely shrugs his shoulders.

"Um … eggnog ?" She asks, pointing to her glass and before he could say yes, she turns and walks from him, "I'll get you a glass."

He shakes his head, realising the comment must have gotten to her a lot more than he expected. She walks back to him and hands him a glass and they fall into some small talk. It was never uncomfortable between them, even now. Small talk is meant to be awkward with pregnant pauses in between the conversation, until someone decides to spare everyone the misery and lie about needing to be somewhere. But with April, small talk was vastly entertaining. She was a storyteller by nature and so could vividly describe the most mundane activity, making it seems extremely entertaining. Or maybe, it was just him. Maybe he was so in love with her that he could listen to her talk for hours on end about the smallest, unnecessary details of life with the same vigour as he would if he was participating in a rather more philosophically satisfying conversation.

He was listening to her argue, mostly with herself, on how the vegan Ben and Jerry's flavours were way too good to actually be vegan. He'd pointed out that her weekly ice cream craving would become healthier with this so she shouldn't question it. She was about to chastise him, when their attention went to the middle of the living room, where Meredith was tapping on a glass trying to get their attention.

"Thanks for coming, guys ! We're almost, but not really, happy to have you here, because I've been angry and puking the whole day, so I wish I never thought of this party to begin with."

Everyone laughs at her brutally honest humour, and Cristina yells an 'I told you so' at her.

"So, anyway, since you're all here and since my hormone induced brain forced all of you to do this secret santa thing, it's time to give each other the last presents. Good luck to Alex, when the person he gave a pair of socks and batteries to finds out it was him who did that." Meredith grins in Alex's direction.

Alex sneers at her in good humour, pretending to be offended, but Jackson has a feeling those could very well be gifts he would give someone, having once received a very large box of condoms, purposefully handing it over in front of April, to get a reaction out of her.

"Give me a sec." He says to her, remembering that he kept it in the front table when he walked into the house. On his way back, he sees people walking up to one another, the look of joy when they find out who has been giving gifts to them. He sees Bailey, Callie, Alex and Cristina all in a huddle, laughing about something, surprised gestures made at one another upon discovering who the gifts were from.

He walks straight up to April, the two of them already knowing who the 'secret santa' is. He taps on her shoulder, and notices her holding a wrapped gift much like his own one.

"So I'm your secret santa" He says, a smirk playing on his lips.

"What ? No way ! I had no idea," She jokes right back, her wonderfully dimpled smile wider, "Guess what ?"

"What ?" He asks, exaggerating his voice.

"I'm your secret santa too !"

"What a coincidence ! It's a Christmas miracle !"

They both laugh at their shared moment of silliness. After a while, he holds the gift in front of her, shaking it, implying that they should open it now.

"Let's go outside. It's so crowded here." She suggests, already taking his arm and walking him towards the backdoor. He loves having the chance to touch her skin and revels in the moment, before she pulls it away to put on her coat. He pulls his own one on, and walks out of the door with her. She goes and takes a seat in the loveseat in the back porch, and he joins her.

"Okay ! Gimme gimme." She points at her gift, holding her arms out excitedly.

He hands it over to her, now a little nervous than he was before, hoping she did really think that although his work wasn't great, at least he'd tried.

"Just so you know, I tried really really hard for this to come out somewhat decent and ... it may or may not imitate the work of a toddler." He joked, trying ease away the nervousness he felt.

"I'm sure it's- wait ... It's something you made ?" She asked, eyebrows raised in surprise, "I am even more excited now."

He grimaced, wondering why he'd gotten her even more riled up than she was. It just left more room to disappoint. He starts opening his gift, pulling at the carefully wrapped Christmas paper with little reindeers and mistletoes. He stops halfway through to watch her for a second, carefully taking off the edges of the tape, knowing she was never one to rip off the paper in excitement as much as she wanted to.

"You did not have to put this much tape, you know." She says, face twisted in concentration.

"Hm, you know I don't know these things." He shrugs, and holds back a smirk. The thing is, he knows perfectly well how much tape is required, having helped April wrap gifts for the entire hospital during Christmas. He purposefully put more tape on her gifts just so he can watch her huff in frustration at the never ending tape, battling constantly with her urge to just rip the wrapping off. He constantly hoped she'd just do it once in her life. Just say 'screw this' and feel the joy of giving in to the excitement.

"Screw this." He hears her say, surprising him altogether by ripping off the last pieces of

paper.

She looks up and notices his expression and grins, "I couldn't help myself."

He smiles back at her, shaking his head, wondering how on earth the very thing he had hoped would happened had ended up happening, when he heard a gasp.

"Jackson ... You- I- We ... We got the same thing. We got the same thing." She repeats in wonder, holding up his photo album, pointing to his lap.

He looks down to see that what he had distractedly opened is an elegant photo album, covered in deep brown leather, with the words 'Merry Christmas, Jackson' etched into it.

"We got the same thing." He repeats, looking up at her and they both start laughing.

He can't believe that this had happened, that somehow they had ended up coming up with the exact same idea for the final present. They had both thought to give each other a photo album, consisting of memories that they'd made over the years. It was an incredible coincidence, although he was starting to believe in those less and less.

"I can't believe we did this." She says, still laughing incredulously.

"I know, it's ... wow. Great minds huh ?" He says winking at her.

"Only great mind here is mine, Avery. You copied." She teases, sticking her tongue out.

"Sure I did. I'm pretty sure I came up with this idea first."

"Please, you probably thought of this 2 days ago after wracking your brain as to what you can give me after the necklace, which I love by the way. And then I'm sure you finished this right before the party." She looked at him, daring him to deny what she said.

His shock was an answer enough, as April laughed, "I knew it."

He found it amazing just how much she knew him. Sad, and amazing. He watched her open up the book. He cringed as her hands wandered through pictures that were glued messily, with some of the glue popping out of the corners, and a felt tip with messy writing dictating each memory. It looked so very childish compared to her neat rows of pictures, neat swirly letters underneath each memory captured.

"Oh I love it Jackson !' She says, eagerly turning pages filled with pictures of the two doing various activities; him unwillingly riding a boat with her, a picture of them sitting next to each other in what looked to be a picnic, a picture of them at Disneyland, one of them at Callie's birthday party. He looked down at his and wandered through the same memories, an occasional comment, an inside joke and runaway banter for each picture. He realized that most of them, as was most of his, were taken during the time they were together. He was happy to know that it wasn't too awkward for her to keep those and to include them. They were, to him especially, memories of the best years of his life so far.

He is happy to find a picture of their surgery. He remembers her snapping it right after Jacob had woken up and they'd gone in to tell him and his parent's that all went well. She was proud of him, he could tell. She stood there, beaming at him, while he explained how well the surgery had gone. It's what Mark would have done. He knew she knew that too, which made it even better.

"I'm so happy Jake's surgery went so well. You're so talented, Jackson. Your technique is just … perfect." She gushes, causing him to shrug once more, although it was his complexion that was saving him from letting her know how sweet it was to hear her say that. She had been with him throughout the surgery, doing an intern's job, but never complaining because he knew she was aware how important her presence was to him. She distracted him with her lively small talk and talked him through at a a crucial stitch that had made him incredibly nervous.

"Stop with the compliments Kepner. Don't think I'm letting you take the win on our game just because you're buttering me up." He teases, never really having been all that good at taking compliments, "But thank you for being there. I'm so glad it went well. That kid … is something else."

She smiled kindly when he thanked her and went on to laugh at a picture of him with ice cream all over his body, an unfortunate accident of them attempting to be a little too adventurous in bed. He was genuinely surprised to find that here. He wasn't sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing that she was so comfortable with them being ex's.

She points to a picture of the two of them at a Halloween party, dressed as Wednesday Adams' parents; her ideals of the perfect romance. He remembers how funny he had found that considering how he'd always thought she'd idealize more unrealistic romantic pairings. He should've known she was too smart for that. He points out a picture of the two of them sitting on a rented convertible, the beach and sunset behind them. Her hair is a mess of wet curls, and her skin slightly burnt even though he'd lathered her up in sunscreen. They looked deliriously happy, because it was the first trip they'd ever taken together, road tripping down to Laguna Beach and it had been blissful.

A trip down memory lane is never easy and it's making him realize that he wanted more of these. He wanted a lot more of these.

"Look."

He looks down at her lap and sees that she's pointing to the picture on the top right corner. One which contains an image of the two of them, about 2 years after they'd gotten together, cuddled in the corner of a floor of a bar he couldn't remember the name of, with Reed resting her body across their laps and a very drunk Charles squatting, almost as if he was going to sit on top of Reed. All of their faces was a mixture of amusement, clearly screaming at Charles not to do what he plans on doing. He watches her fingertips trace their faces.

"This was the ... the night before ..." Her voice breaks and he knows what's he's trying to say.

"Yes." He replies, taking her hand in his.

* * *

 _"April ... April ... APRIL."_

 _The first thing he'd done when he'd gotten out of that OR was to go look for his girlfriend. Throughout the surgery, while helping Cristina keep Derek alive, while also making sure none of them got shot, the only thing that had been running through his mind in a constant loop was I need to see her. That was all he had wanted, to see her. To make sure she was okay, she was alive and she was fine. So when she'd run into the theatre behind Meredith and he caught a glimpse of her, he felt relief spread across his whole body, his muscles relaxing and the nerve on his face about to explode, residing back._

 _"APRIL."_

 _He screamed once more, frantically running through the no longer vacant hallways, now overtaken by SWAT teams, police, paramedics, patients and staff, all grief stricken, their faces showing confusion and fear, unable to get out of the hospital fast enough. He ran a hand over his face, letting out a small scream, frustrated with not being able to find her and although he'd never admit it, on the verge of tears. He was going to break down a second before he heard the voice he had so long craved to hear._

 _"Jackson ! Jackson !"_

 _He looked up to see a small, pale body run up to him, brown curls trailing behind her face. He let out a loud sound, somewhere between a sigh and a sob. He almost ran towards her, taking her in his arms, feeling her legs go around his waist. He hugged her to him, his eyes involuntarily closing at the immediate comfort he felt from holding her in his arms and his face burying itself in her brown curls, breathing in the minty shampoo she used on her hair, now leaving behind only a faint smell of it. He felt her rub his back soothingly, and felt a kiss placed on his temple._

 _"Jackson, babe you have to put me down now." She said, slowly attempting to untangle herself from his death grip._

 _"No." He said, bringing her back into him, afraid of letting her go even for a second. Because that's all it took, he thought. Just a second of having her out of his sight, could mean he'd never see her again._

 _"We really need to go now, ma'am." He heard a voice next to him, a little frustrated but laced with sympathy._

 _"Yes, just give me a minute. Jackson, just look at me, baby, look at me." April said, bringing his face tucked between her neck and shoulder towards her face, "I'm alright, okay ? I'm right here. I'm alright. I'm safe, you're safe. I'm here. I love you, and I'm here."_

 _He leaned forward to kiss her, ignoring the fact that there was a rescue team member, awkwardly standing next to them, because in that moment it wasn't some form of flirty public affection but rather something he needed to do if he was going to get out of here. Kissing her grounded him, and it reminded him once more, if her words were not enough, that she was here. He didn't lose her._

 _"I love you too." He said, finally setting her down, but refusing to altogether let go of his hold on her. He kept an arm her waist, pulling her as close to him as possible, feeling her slide an arm around his own waist. He reached out of her other arm, entwining their fingers and holding her hand to his lips._

 _They were escorted to the ER, where most patients and visitors had been taken in to go through a medical checkup before they could be either transferred to another hospital or sent home. He took her to an ER bed the paramedic pointed out, sitting on the bed, before pulling her into his lap. He saw the female paramedic look at him, almost questioning his extreme possessiveness and lack of willingness to be even an inch away from his girlfriend, but bit her lip. It wasn't a situation anyone can judge, what they needed at this time only they could know._

 _She was kind enough to do the checkup while April sat perched on his lap, his arms around her waist, keeping her from sliding off. He had to let her slide off his lap when it was his turn, but he immediately pulled her back towards him the moment he was done and all they had left to do was to answer a few questions to the police._

 _"He-he held a ... a ... gun t-to my face ... and h-he was going to... p-pull the trigger but ... I watched Oprah and ... so I talk- I talked about myself and he ... he told me to ru- he told me to run and I ... I ran."_

 _It broke his heart completely that she was reliving this. He couldn't hear it, couldn't hear how the events of him almost losing her had gone. The moment he'd heard that that bastard had pulled the gun on her, he'd wanted to find him and bash his head in._

 _She sobbed loudly throughout the whole exchange, turning her body and nestling herself in the crook of his neck every now and then to calm herself down before she spoke. He kissed her head, rubbing her arms and whispered he loved her, hoping that would make it better._

 _"It's my fault he almost died."_

 _She said it so quietly, Jackson wouldn't have been able to catch it if he wasn't hanging on her every word._

 _"I'm sorry, ma'am, what do you mean by that ?" The officer asked, pausing his pen before it touched the paper, mirroring the same confusion Jackson felt._

 _"Dr. Sheperd. It's my fault. I ... I shouldn't have run. I should've stayed back and helped him. I didn't. I got so scared so I ran. I- it's my fault." She said, her eyes downcast and her voice resigned._

 _"Sweetheart, what are you talking about ? Of course that wasn't your fault. He would have shot him anyway. And you couldn't have helped him then. You were terrified. Of course you ran. Did anyone tell you this was your fault ?" He asked, holding her chin in his hand and lifting her face to his. He was about to lose his shit at the thought that someone put this guilt into her head._

 _"No. But it's true." She said, shrugging her shoulders, clearly at battle with herself over her accusation._

 _"No it isn't. No one will tell you otherwise. Heck, ask Meredith and I'll doubt she'll say it was your fault. The only person whose fault this is ... is that ... fucker's. Not yours, baby." He sees her looking up at him, registering his words. She nods slowly at him and sits back up a little straighter. He knows she'll beat herself up over this for sometime, but he knows that she understands that the only person blaming herself in this is her._

 _"I agree, Dr. Kepner. There's nothing you could've done. What you did was all you could do and it was smart itself. If you didn't run he would've tried to kill the both of you." The police officer says, patting her shoulder empathetically, although Jackson notices her flinch at the contact and burrow herself deeper into him._

 _"Alright, well, there's only one more tough question left. I was informed you both knew Charles Percy and Reed Adamson well ? You were close ?" The officer asked, the slight hesitation showing his lack of want to bring this up now, especially considering the state they were in to begin with._

 _April looks up at the officer shell shocked, unable to say anything, probably remembering for the first time since she found out that their best friends were ... dead. He hadn't thought about it either because everything was overwhelming enough as it is. But there it was, the absolute truth, laid out in front of them. Charles and Reed were dead. Gone. Never coming back. He felt tired. That was the first emotion he'd felt, before the sadness and anger set in, he felt tired. He felt as if every bone in his body was giving in from the exhaustion of the day, the complete physical and emotional drain. And then he felt empty. Empty because his best friends, two people whom he treated like family were gone._

 _Reed had always been the annoying sister he never asked for, always teasing him for being a 'whiny rich boy' but never maliciously. It was done to keep him grounded. And she was April's best friend. His girlfriend didn't always have the easiest time finding people she fit in with and Reed had taken her under her wing and loved her for who she was. He'd never not appreciate her for that. And Charles ... Charles was the brother he'd always wanted. It went beyond a simple bond, went beyond the fact that they lived together, liked the same things and did the same job. Charles knew him in a way only very few people did. They shared secrets and inside jokes. Whenever he fought with April over something stupid or if she'd done something particularly cute that day Charles would sit and listen to him talk for hours, roll his eyes but always have the best advice. They couldn't be gone._

 _"We can come back later if this is too hard."_

 _Jackson realised they were both complete messes and he knew neither of them were ready to confront the loss they'd both endured. In the very least not until they've at least talked to each other about it._

 _"We'll drop by the station tomorrow, officer." He said, painfully acknowledging that April was sobbing into his shoulder._

 _"That'll be great." He said, dropping the notepad back into this pocket, and turning to leave, "I'm very sorry for your loss."_

 _Jackson merely nodded, unable to really respond to that. He knew people always said it, and he knew that even they were aware that it did nothing to help. Sorry wasn't bringing his friends back._

 _He sat there for a while, rubbing April's back, letting her weep loudly into his shoulders, until there was complete silence on her part. He lifted his head slowly to see that she'd cried herself to sleep. He didn't blame her, every part of him needed a break, but he couldn't close his eyes, because every time he did he saw them._

 _He slowly lifted her into his arms and started to carry her across the parking lot, overwhelming crowded making him slightly claustrophobic. He felt April stir a little in his arms, and decided to walk quicker, knowing she needed this sleep and he was going to make sure she rested._

 _Before he could open the passenger door, carefully balancing April, he felt someone touch his arm. He instantly jerked back, almost dropping April. He's been fidgety to say the least. But relaxed when he saw it was just an equally exhausted looking Meredith._

 _"Look, I know you can't go back to your place. Or hers. So ... go to mine. The bedroom in the attic is free. There's bedsheets, linen and towels and stuff on the downstairs cabinet in the living room. Take some of mine and Derek's clothes for today. Get a shower, put her to bed and go to sleep yourself. You need some rest today, Jackson. We all do." She said, her voice robotic, lacking emotion. She wasn't giving out sympathy, she wasn't capable of it. None of them were. Instead she was offering complete and total understanding and that's all he needed right now. Going to their place today would be a nightmare._

 _"Thank you, Mer. We really appreciate this." He managed a smile._

 _"Thank you. You know ... for everything."_

 _He knew she was thanking him for pulling the plug and saving Derek._

 _"Of course."_

 _"I've got to go back to Derek."_

 _She opened the door for him, letting him place April inside and put on her seatbelt. He nodded towards Meredith and climbed back on the driving seat, taking off towards their new place of residence, at least for a while._

 _He found himself constantly checking the passenger seat to make sure April was there, and as much as he needed to hold her hand, he was afraid the contact would wake her up._

 _He pulled up in front of the house, gathering April into his arms, surprised at the fact that she was asleep throughout all this. He knew that exhaustion, felt it himself. The need to shut yourself down so at least for an hour you're not plagued by the situations of today._

 _He walked into the house, happy to find it yet empty, and made his way upstairs. He placed April on the bed, and went downstairs to gather everything, the movements and actions keeping his brain occupied. He needed to concentrate on something other than the pain he wasn't yet ready to face and so he decided to focus on his girlfriend. He pulled a sweat pant for himself and a tank top and pair of shorts for April and made his way upstairs._

 _He walked in expecting a dozing April, but instead found her sitting on the bed, her body frantically searching for something._

 _"Jackson ! Where did you go ? Why did you leave ? Where are we ?" Her questions were erratic, her eyes darting around the room._

 _He dropped the items he brought with him, quickly climbing on to the bed. He knelt in front of her, grabbing hold of her arms and diverting her attention back to him._

 _"Babe, babe. Look at me, sweetheart. We're fine. Okay ? We're at Meredith's place because ... well I don't think either of us want to ... you know. I just went downstairs real quick to grab some stuff for us. I'm so sorry I left. I thought you would stay asleep, and I was an idiot to leave. I'm sorry. I love you. We're okay." He said, noticing how with each word she her breathing was going back to normal and her attention was refocusing._

 _He placed a kiss on her nose, and her cheeks, knowing that she loved it when he did that. But unlike the other days, when she'd either blush or giggle, she looked back at him stoic._

 _"They're dead." She whispered, her face void of any feeling._

 _"Yes." He replied, unable to say much more without breaking down himself._

 _"She's gone. They're both gone. My best friend is gone." She looked down at the bed, her fingers carefully picking up any linen._

 _"I know."_

 _He watched her look up at him, saw her beautiful hazel eyes start to well up and within a matter of seconds she was screaming and crying in pain. It was the kind of crying where you feel the anguish with every single atom of your body. Where you clutch your heart because the pain transcends beyond an emotional response. She falls forward to his arm, her face drenching his dirty scrub top he still hasn't taken off._

 _"We're going to get through this." He says this, although he's not sure if he means it. The event is too new, the pain too raw to feel as if there will be a light at the end of the tunnel._

 _The crying doesn't stop, it just gets louder but at one point her tears stop falling. He realises they both need a bath, and although he wants to do nothing but curl up with her and cry, he realises she's too far into her misery for him not to step up. She's an incredibly strong woman, but right now, she had to first break before she could heal and he would have to be strong until she can be that for him._

 _So he picks her up once more and carries her to the bathroom, putting her down on her feet. The crying has once again stopped and she is suddenly too quiet for his liking. He's not sure what's going on in her head when she's not letting her emotions out and that somehow scares him. He strips her of all clothing, and walks her to the showers. He puts his hand in and turns on the water. She walks inside and without thinking he closes the door behind her._

 _He is startled all of a sudden, when he hears a loud scream, of unadulterated fear rip through the glass closing._

 _"OPEN THE DOOR ! OPEN THE DOOR !" He sees April banging loudly on the glass and immediately opens it and goes inside._

 _"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He repeats over and over because he should've known the nightmare she had to endure with the shooter and her illogical guilt over Derek would mean the event would be playing on repeat in her mind. Of course, she was claustrophobic._

 _He feels his clothes drench with the spray of water. She hangs on to him so tight, her breathing ragged, the alert fear still present in her eyes and her voice still shuddering._

 _He pushes her slowly towards the shower spray and feels her body somewhat relax under the hot water. It's the immediate reaction a body has when the heat hits frantic nerves. But when he removes his hands from her waist to pull his shirt over his head, he immediately feels her tense up. He barely manages to discard his top when her hands reach out for his, grabbing them desperately and pulling him towards her. He realises she needs the proximity, the feeling of him being alive. So with the greatest difficulty he removes the rest of his clothes, while April wraps herself around his body._

 _Once he's fully unclothed, he allows himself to relax against her and allows the heat of the shower soothe his racing mind. He keeps seeing them dead. He keeps seeing their lifeless bodies, all pale skin, eyes open but no light in them and a startling stillness that indicates the absence of being. He hangs on to April a little tighter, and sure enough, a reminder of her presence brings his mind to the present. He welcomes the distraction, although he hates that it's at the cost of his girlfriend's sanity._

 _He realises how much he's zoned out when he hears her muttering and pulling away from him all of a sudden. He opens his eyes, bringing his hands up to his face to wipe his eyes and slowly looks down at her, concentrating on what she's saying._

 _"So much blood. There was so much blood. So much blood."_

 _He figures this was about Reed. He knew she had found her. He opens his mouth to say something when she the volume of her voice keeps getting louder and she start scratching at her skin._

 _"Need to get the blood off. I need to clean the blood off. It's not coming off. I need the blood to come off."_

 _He grabs her hands to stop her actions, realising that if he let her continue she would just scratch herself bloody. She struggles in his hold, repeating her need to get clean._

 _"I'll clean the blood, baby. I'll clean it."_

 _He supposes giving into her will help. There is no more blood in her body, the water having washed it all off, when she first stepped into the shower, but if she needed this to help her calm down, he was holding no judgments._

 _He squirts shower gel on to his hands and lathers the foamy liquid across her body. He remembers the time they'd take showers together. She'd always giggle saying his hands tickled her skin and it always ended up in them having sex. But today, the air was melancholy. Because, happiness and joy was not an emotion either were capable of._

 _She insists on being washed thrice and he gives into her just this once, making a mental note that if this behavior perseveres he'd need to get her some help before it turned in to a full blown OCD. He wraps her up in a bath robe that engulfs her, and wraps a towel around his own waist. He carries her, although she insists on making the trip herself._

 _He dries her off and slips on the borrowed clothing on to her body, watching her robotically respond to his requests. He puts on the sweatpants and grabs the dryer he'd been smart enough to bring with him and begins to dry her hair. Somewhere down the line, she falls asleep again, sitting up on the bed and he puts the device down once her hair is reasonably dry. He pulls her up the bed and lays her down, pulling the covers up around them both. He scoots closer to her, wrapping his arms around her waist, pulling her back to his front, burying her nose in her hair. Her shampoo is different so he instead breathes in her skin, which smells of the lavender shower gel and April._

 _He nods off as well, and is woken up by small insistent hands and an urgent voice. He opens his eyes, blinking many times to adjust to the light. He realises it's night time because the light is coming from the bedside lamp. He glances up and notices April's face looking concerned and worried. It surprises just how ... normal she looks. He realises that just as her vulnerability grounds him, his grounds her. It was the first time he'd woken up from the same nightmare that he'd see for months and then would still be periodically haunted by. The situation was always different, but the end result the same. There was Charles, Reed or April at the shooter's firing line and each time he would try his hardest but they would always end up dead._

 _He notices his face and chest having broken out in a cold sweat. He feels April bring the blanket up and pat his face down with it._

 _"Did you have a nightmare ?" She asks, tentatively._

 _"Yes."_

 _"Was it about ... them ?" He realises then that she hasn't said their names since._

 _"Yes."_

 _He sits up, placing pillows behind his back, and leans against them._

 _"Do you want a glass of water?" She asks, fluffing up his pillows, "I am a horrible girlfriend."_

 _He's a little surprised where that sentiment is coming from, so instantly perks up, "What are you talking about ? And no, I don't want water. I just ... need to cuddle you. Come here."_

 _He holds out his arms and she hesitatingly takes them and allows him to cuddle her to his chest._

 _"Now tell me where this not a good girlfriend nonsense came from." He asks, again._

 _"I was acting a little ... crazy earlier today and I didn't even ask how you were doing." She says, running her fingers in circles across his chest._

 _"April, that doesn't make you a bad girlfriend. You weren't even present earlier today. Sweetheart, you were a little crazy because of how bad the grief was." He replies, taking her hand and kissing her fingertips._

 _"It's just as bad for you." She insists, looking up at him, her hazel eyes full of emotion._

 _"Yes, but ... you saw her. I ... didn't. I guess ... that helps." He says, unconvincingly. He isn't sure if seeing was better or not. He didn't want that image in his head, but he sometimes wondered if it was better than the gruesome images he saw in his nightmares._

 _"There was so much ... blood. There was ... She's so tiny. She couldn't bleed that much. But she had ... And I slipped on her ... blood and she looked so ... dead. And I couldn't- I can't-" She began to cry again, wrapping herself tighter in his arms. He rocked her slightly, realising that this was going to be her for the next ... who knew how long. She would be a little better one minute but then break down the next._

 _He felt her wipe her tears. She twisted away from his grip and straddled him instead, holding his face between her hands._

 _"You're allowed to break down, you know. It doesn't make you weak. It's human. He was your best friend and you knew her for so long, so you're allowed to break down."_

 _He looked at her for a while, letting her words sink in and as if a trigger went off on his head, he suddenly broke down. He felt her arms wrap themselves around his body as he splayed across her lap. He let out all he anguish he'd been holding back for her benefit as she rubbed his head with one hand as the other ran up and down his back. He eventually quieted down and when he opened his eyes realised he'd dozed off, immediately feeling bad about the whole thing. He didn't feel bad about crying in front of her. There was no judgment from her, not now or ever and right then he had needed that._

 _"How long was I out ?" He asks, rubbing his eyes and sitting up._

 _"Just an hour. I'm hungry." She admits._

 _"Me too." He realises neither of them had probably eaten since breakfast and a quick glance outside the window tells him it's very late at night, he guesses around 2 or 3 in the morning._

 _"Will we ever be okay ? Will we ever feel normal ? Hunger feels so normal. I felt hungry when they were alive and I feel hungry now- I- I'm not making any sense am I ?" She asks, shrugging her shoulders._

 _"I get it," He says, scooting closer to her, "Listen, I don't know how long it will take to heal and I don't know if we'll ever fully heal but ... all I know, is life doesn't stop because they ... died. It keeps going. And as much as it sucks, we'll eventually have to get going too."_

 _She sighs, tucking a curl behind her ear. Her hair is a mess of curls because of his amateur shampooing and drying skills._

 _"I don't know what I would have done if I lost you too." She says, covering her mouth to conceal a loud sob._

 _"Babe. Hey, no. You can't think about that."_

 _She can't think about that because he already did. He already thought about how he could've lost her and the thought almost drowned him._

 _"You can't die on me." She says, vehemently shaking her head, as if sheer willpower will make him immortal._

 _He scratches his head, not sure what to say to that, but realises the clichéd denial of death wasn't going to help her, "I can't promise that. You know that I can't tell you that. And I want you to promise me that too, but there's no point in asking. We don't know about death and ... I mean, none of us thought- you know."_

 _She nods slowly, but he could see in her eyes she didn't like what he was saying._

 _"I'll promise you this though, until the day I die I will never ever be away from you for any reason whatsoever. I want to die, having spent every waking minute with you. That's a promise I can keep." He smiled for the first time that night and saw a light behind her eyes that he hadn't seen since he'd kissed her good bye in the locker room that morning._

 _She leaned forward and softly kissed him, "I promise too."_

 _He nodded, "Come on. Let's go order some pizza, and then we'll go back to sleep, if we can ... and tomorrow, I'll take you to church, okay ?"_

 _She shrugged her shoulders once more and he figured she was battling with her faith right now but decided not to question on it. He would work on that with her, but right now was not the time. Right now, their best friends were dead, they were terrified when they heard a floorboard creak, they were overcome with grief and sadness and anger with no end in sight and most of all, they were in a situation where loss became all too real. Loss beyond your control._

 _"You're not going to lose me alright," He says, pulling her up from the bed, "Not if I can help it."_

* * *

It had taken them a lot to make it out of that time period. He lost count of the times she had woken him up from nightmares that had left him paralyzed. He remembers how for a while April found it almost impossible to be away from him for more than a couple of minutes without having a panic attack as to whether he was still alive or not. It had hit them hard, but they'd made it through. They'd held each other's hands and been there for one another and had pulled each other from what at the time had felt like an endless pit of misery.

 _"You're not going to lose me, alright. Not if I can help it."_

The words he said to her that night floated through his head as they repeated themselves over and over, getting louder each time.

 _"You're not going to lose me, alright."_

She had. His silence, his inaction had led her to lose him.

 _"Not if I can help it."_

It had been within his control. He had made the active choice not to marry her, to leave her. He had had complete control over the situation and made the decision to let her lose him.

He had broken his promise, and he was paying for that dearly.

"I thought you had died."

He gets taken out of his thoughts by a small, tearful voice. He looks up to see her eyes filled with tears she trying her hardest to hold back. But before he says anything, she looks up at him and the pain and anguish he can see that she feels, breaks his heart.

"You could have died."

"But I didn't, April. I'm-"

"I could have lost you. You could have died."

She had started to sound a bit hysterical then. Not the pull your hair, frustrated screaming kind, but the voice more than a few octaves lower, and difficult to breathe kind. She was gasping, tears still refusing to fall.

"April. Hey, look at me," He pats her gently on the back and she quickly looks up at him. Her lost eyes gazing into his, hoping she'll ground him. And without fail, he does. "We're okay."

She nods, looks up at the ceiling, blinking her tears away. A few seconds later, she takes a deep breath and drops her gaze to her lap.

"I didn't tell you I love you." She says finally, "That day ... That's all I could think about before I saw you. Before I saw that you were fine. I kept thinking how ... how I didn't tell you I loved you. I remember how in the locker that morning I joked about how you never wash the cereal bowls, and then you complained about how Cristina keeps stealing your surgeries and then we kissed. But ... I forgot to say I love you. You could've died and I would've never been able to say I love you."

He could more than imagine how she must have felt that day. He felt almost happy he hadn't noticed their little slip. He was happy that he wasn't in the theatre thinking about how he hadn't told her he loved her, on top of everything else.

"I was scared as hell too that day. I kept thinking how ... right before it happened ... the thing I was scared about is if I locked my car. I don't know why but I couldn't remember if I'd locked my car. And I was so scared I hadn't … and then ... someone shoots up a hospital and my two best friends die and I thought about how I wish my car got stolen instead." He said, shaking his head in melancholic laughter.

"Death really puts things in perspective, huh ?" She asked, staring ahead into the yard, now almost completely dark, except for the soft light of the back porch eliminating a short distance.

"Yeah."

They sat in silence for a while. The two of them softly turning the pages, but the laughter and the jokes were no longer there. Instead, there was complete silence, although thoughts never stopped running through his head a hundred miles an hour.

"I never told you I love you.

"Death really puts thing into perspective."

He was running his hand along the edge of the album page, smiling to himself at a picture of April in his room in Boston, holding a basketball trophy that was bigger than her and laughing because the weight of it was almost making her fall. She was in all honesty the most adorable human being he'd ever met.

"I miss you." She whispered.

His head shot up, not entirely sure if she said what he had heard her say. But she was looking at him expectantly. As if he'd ever not miss her.

"I miss you too." He said, trying his best not to appear completely and utterly pathetic whenever he said that.

"Why'd you leave ?" She asked, and the almost accusation on her tone, startled him.

"I ... April, I didn't leave. You left me." He reminded her, although he was starting to see somewhat of a blind rage fill up inside of her.

"Because you didn't want to marry me !" She almost yelled back.

"I didn't want to marry anyone April. Don't make it sound like it's something to do with you !" He insisted. He was starting to wonder if even she realised how off base she was at this point.

"I know. You're right. I just ... hate this !" She admitted.

"Me too."

They stared at each other for a while, each knowing that there was a depth of emotion they wanted to express but being unable to.

"I broke up with Mara." He said, looking at her face to gain her reaction. She looked a little shocked at first, but quickly rearranged her emotions to sympathy. Despite the heaviness of the topic he couldn't help but smirk at the fact that for a moment there she had let herself, although unconsciously, look happy about that fact. "She accused me of still being in love with you."

She looked at him, eyes wide, mouth slightly open. Clearly more shocked at the fact that he was saying this as opposed to what he was saying.

"Are you ?" She asked, tucking a lose curl behind her ear and chewing on her bottom lip. A habit he had had a very hard time not falling in love with.

"You already know the answer to that." He replied, shrugging his shoulder. She nodded, copying his movements. He'd never wondered if either of them still loved one another. He knew they did. They were at this crossroad not because of lack of love.

"Are you sad ?" She asked him, and he wondered for a minute what she was talking about.

"You mean about ... Mara ?" He asked, watching her nod affirmative.

"Oh ... um ... No. I mean, it didn't mean anything. She knew that, I knew that." He said, nonchalance. There was something else he was sad about though. "It was never like us."

He felt himself still when she brought a hand to his face, slowly running a finger across his light stubble, concentrating heavily on her actions. He couldn't process what was happening. After almost a year of flinching when his hand brushed against her she was willingly letting herself touch him, completely out of the blue. Her fingers stopped at the corner of his lips, and she finally shifted her gaze from her fingers to his eyes. She always told him how his were capable of stripping her bare, but hers were the same. He felt exposed, his carefully built fabric of lies he kept telling himself to not regret the decision he made crumbling down.

"There's never going to be anything like us." She whispered, her fingers spreading out across his cheek, softly cupping his face. He felt his breath become uneven, his heart hammering in his chest and everything around him stilled for a minute. He watched her close her eyes, and lean towards him. He could feel her breath against his lips, mixing in with his own. He let his own eyes flutter close. He could almost feel the softness of her lips on his, his breath now completely at a halt.

A sudden jolt from April's end, sucked him out of the state of mute sounds and singled out vision, letting him wonder for only a second why April had pulled back. He heard a feminine giggle, followed by a rough voice, and looked up to see Alex and a very giggly intern walking out the back door.

"Hey guys." Alex nodded at the time, taking in this situation. It would take a complete stranger only a few seconds to denounce the thick air of tension surrounding the two of them, and Alex seemed to pick up on it a lot quicker. "Did I interrupt something ?"

"No no, nothing at all. Um ... We should go ... go back inside anyway. It's cold, really cold. Of course it is, it's Christmas. So, yep, nothing to interrupt." She stammered out, her face bowed down purposefully to hide her blushing face with her hair.

"Okay." Alex said, not entirely too convinced, but aware of their history too much to want to take it any further. He curtly nodded at Jackson and walked off.

Jackson gave himself a minute, both to cool down from the blur of emotions he'd experienced with April and to get rid of the unfair annoyance he felt at Alex for interrupting their moment.

"You have a ... Mathew." He finally said, not really sure why he thought that was the most appropriate thing to say, but feeling the need to remind himself more than her of this fact.

"No, I don't." She admitted, taking him by surprise. He now understood how she felt moments ago. "He broke up with me."

"Why ?"

"He accused me of being in love with you." She said, almost humorously at the complete similarity of their situation.

He merely nodded, unsure of what to say next because he hadn't seen this coming.

"I have to go." She quickly got up and started to leave. He stumbled up, almost a little angry that she was acting as though nothing had almost happened.

"We have to talk about this." He points out.

"No we don't. We just have to ... I just have to ... I am so confused." She admitted. "I'm so confused and tired from having to figure this out and so no, I don't want to talk about it."

"And you think I'm not ? I'm not confused ? April, you can't just tell me you still love me, and almost kiss me and then run off like that." He replied, a running a hand over his face in frustration. She drove him crazy most of the time.

She pulled on her coat, zipping it up, almost destroying the zipper when it got stuck for a second. Clearly, it wasn't just him who was frustrated.

"April, I get that the kiss is confusing, but-"

"No. No ! I'm not- not about that. Well ... I am, but ... that's not what I mean. I mean, you-you confuse me ! You know, I was so sure about where we stood. About ... about how we left things because ... It's for the best, right ? We want different things so it's for the best right ? Right ? I ... I don't know ! I knew, or I thought I knew, but I don't- I don't know anymore. I don't know what I want anymore." She poked him in the chest a few dozen times to make her point.

"April-" He began, slowly stepping out of her vicinity of attack.

"No ... No that's not true. I do know. I just- I don't know if I should want- or if I can have- I don't know, Jackson. You-"

"April ! What are you talking about ?" He was completely lost at the moment because most of her sentences were being completed in her head as she often did when she was rambling.

"I want …"

"You want, what ?"

She took a deep breath, looking him dead in the eye, "I want you."

She shook her head, breathing back a sob, and walked off without another word leaving him completely unsure of what had just happened.

Had she just told him she wanted him? Wanted to be with him? Wanted to try once more? Is that what she had meant? He wasn't sure if he should run behind her and try to catch her up because he didn't really know what to say once he did. I want you too? Sure, of course he did. But wanting her didn't mean he could have her. Unless, she'd meant she wanted him. She wanted him as he is without any promises of anything more.

She was willing to push aside a figment of her future she'd imagined since she was a child, be it because of family expectations, church or childhood fantasies you take to your adulthood, to be with him.

He tugged on his jacket, and carried his album with him, walking swiftly to his car, all the while a million thoughts racing through his head.

 _"Death really puts things in perspective, huh ?"_

He pulled on the door of his car, and quickly ushered himself inside, turning on the heat. He sat there for a moment, one hand on the wheel, another holding the key to the ignition without turning it on, and thought about how scared he had been when he thought he'd lost her and thought about the relief the thought that whatever is to come by the lack of predictability of life, he would have woken up to her and loved her until his last day alive.

" _You're not going to lose me, alright."_

He takes his hand from the ignition, and pushes it into his pocket, pulling out his phone.

" _Not if I can help it."_

He browses through his contacts, and finally comes across the number he was looking for and dials it.

" _You're not going to lose me, alright."_

"Hello Jason, I need a favour." He spoke into the phone, smiling at the reply. "No no ... Not for my mother."

" _Not if I can help it."_

"You could say that." He said, holding on to the phone tighter, a little more nervous but a little less afraid, "I'm looking to buy a ring."

 _"You're not going to lose me, alright. Not if I can help it."_

* * *

 **THANK YOU FOR READING !**

 **I would love to know what you thought of the chapter, so if you got some time leave me a review :)**

 **P.S: I have already started the next chapter (which will be the last one for this fic), so hopefully I'll update sooner !**


	5. Chapter 5

**Who thought I would never update this? I am so SO sorry for the late upload. I had a crazy busy year, and I ignored this fic for other pics and I am so sorry. Anyway, fic uploads from me will be few the coming year because I have exams and stuff coming up. BUT please enjoy. :)**

 **Disclaimer: same as always**

* * *

27th of December 

The entire city was decorated like a winter wonderland, and the skating rink was no exception. The entire rink was decorated with lights, red, green and white, which was accompanied with holly and jingle bells, grazing the rink in random sequence. There was a large Christmas tree towards the end, also decorated with lights and ornaments and the entire place looked like it had come out of one of those by-annual Christmas movies with a by-the-numbers plot. Christmas was the only time he'd allow himself one of those corny chick flicks. Considering how late it was, it didn't surprise him that the person he was looking for was the lone occupant of the rink, skating slowly, almost swaying to the melodies of Christmas music that was blaring from the speakers attached to the street lights near the open air rink. He pulled his jacket closer to him as a cold chill ran through his body and marveled at how she could be here, this late at night. He experimentally put one foot forward on to the ice and almost fell back, as he felt the foot slide forward without his will. Having realized that the sport was not at all as easy as it looked, he opted to hold on to the rails, fingers enclosing against the icy steel, and slowly and unsurely, guide himself towards the middle of the rink.

He noted that his companion was so lost in thought that she surprisingly failed to notice someone else making their way towards her with the greatest difficulty. It was a surprise because on many occasions he had made soft yelps having almost fallen in the ice head first. After managing to make the next few strides with success, a false sense of confidence took him. He felt sure of the 5 minutes of skills that he has gained, skating on the edge of the rink, his hands holding on to the pole for dear life. He confidently let go of the pole, and made it a few small strides towards the other skater, before fumbling with the next step, and falling on his bum with a rather loud thud.

He heard a gasp but was too busy to notice the flock of red hair whip towards his direction as the pain overtook him. Falling on dry ice was no easy feat.

"Jackson? Oh my god, are you okay?" April asked, quickly skating up to him and kneeling besides him. He opens his eyes slowly as the pain changes from a sting to a constant throb.

He wanted to tell her he was just fine, that he was in this position by choice, choosing to admire the beauty of the rink from his place on the ice, but the pain was quite so much that he couldn't even formulate a proper sentence. This wasn't exactly the way he had pictured this going.

"Oh god, I think you've hurt your spine. Let me just ..." He watched her sink down to her knees next to him, slowly lifting his coat and sweater he wore underneath, placing her hand on his lower back, and rubbing the area in an effort to relieve the pain. It begins to work, but mostly because instead of pain he feels the skin where her touch lingers burn, and he feels himself flush from the contact. The way a simple touch could make him react this way was one of the reasons he had come here, among many others.

He softly whimpers when she takes her hand away, sad at the loss of contact.

"Can you get up?" April asks, smiling down at him.

"Maybe in a little while." He replies, because honesty is the only thing that will help him now. He is in too much pain to pretend even for her.

"Okay, then. Let me know when it eases. I'll take you home and rub some pain relief on it." She says, gently sitting down on the icy rink, and stretching her legs in front of her. "What are you doing here anyway? I didn't know you skated."

"I clearly don't." He replies, pointing to his back, eliciting a soft laugh in agreement from her. He smiles in return because her cheeks are flushed from the cold and the exercise, her red hair making an appearance within the hood of her red parka.

They hadn't spoken since two nights ago. He had tried to give her some space, which hadn't been altogether too difficult considering how she ran away from him whenever he turned a corner. Clearly, she wasn't ready to talk. So, he was hoping at least she'd listen, and then maybe talk after that. This whole thing would be really awkward if she didn't.

"So is sneaking around at 12 am to learn ice skating by yourself a common occurrence or ?" She asks, mockery evident in her face. He laughs along because he realises how funny this must look like to her. She's the only one he'd let get away with constant jabs towards him.

"Very funny, Kepner. I was looking for you, actually. You haven't been easy to find." He says.

She looks a little guilty at that. She opens her mouth as if to say something, and then closes it again. After a while, she looks up at him, the apology already evident in her face before she's even said it.

"I'm sorry. I just … had no idea what to say after … all that."

He nods his head, completely understanding where she's coming from. She wasn't mad at him, merely confused at the situation. A sentiment he could definitely relate to. Before he can reply, she interrupts him.

"Wait … how did you know I was here ? I didn't tell anyone." She looks at him, a little confused. He chuckles softly, because it's so easy sometimes for her to forget just how much they know each other. A year apart doesn't change the history they have behind them.

"Unless you've forgotten, you and I have known each other for a very long time now." He smirks at her, and watches her blush, "Remember when we had that stupid fight about how I don't wash the dishes in the sink?"

"You're so bad at that. Honestly, Jackson it takes all of what two sec-" She starts to complain, and he rolls his eyes at how she'd make it a point to yell at him for his somewhat messy habits during this. Although in all fairness, she had no idea what was coming.

"Anyway," He interrupts her this time, his tone clearly indicating to her that he wasn't getting into that argument at this moment, "You ran off to god knows where and I stayed up until 1 am worried to death something bad would happen. So when you came back, we agreed that-"

"No matter how mad we are we would tell each other where we're running off to." She finishes his sentence, suddenly recollecting the memory, "I remember!"

"You told me how this place helps you think and Steven the security guy opens it for you." He says. He's both proud and sad that she's so happy that he remembers minor details like this. It makes him sad because she's so used to getting drowned out with the noise, used to people ignoring her ramblings, dismissing them as "annoying". She's used to speaking words that fall short of reaching someone. He sees she's grateful, and he knows that he's the first person for her who has taken the time to listen. But what she may not know is that she is that for him too. Mara, or any of the girlfriends he had before April would listen to him, but they would never register things. They would nod, and give their opinion but he could feel their exhaustion with him after a while. April listened for hours on end, constantly taking notes of his conversation in her head, registering every little detail for later use. The gifts were proof of that.

"Alright so … did you come here because I ignored you these days? I mean, you could have just called me, you know. It would've saved you a trip." She smiles.

"Well that is one reason, but … well …" He wasn't exactly sure how he was going to go about this, but considering everything, he hadn't had time to prepare for this moment. A decision, he now realized, was less than wise. He thought it would just be wiser if he got straight to the point. He had wasted enough time, he didn't need to waste more.

"Here." He reached into his pocket, took out a few papers rolled into one, and handed it over to April.

She took it from him, seemingly a little unsure of what exactly she was expected to do with it.

"Oh, open it." He instructed.

He watched her open the papers, her fingers smoothing the creases, and eyes roaming over the print. He watched her flip through the papers, her forehead creased, deep in concentration. She finally looked up.

"You bought a house?" She asks, holding the paper with a printed picture of a beautiful kitchen pantry.

"I did." He replied, reaching to her pile and pulling up a paper with a picture of the front view of a large, and yet refined, suburbian home, "It's in Mercer Island. It's a neighbourhood kind of place. You know, those places where they have neighbourhood luncheons and kids play with their neighbours, but there's enough privacy because high fences make good neighours and all that. There's this really big, massive garden, and a huge pool. There's even a basketball court."

He hands her each print from the roll which matches the description of the house, watching her take in everything in a mix of awe and puzzlement.

"There are 5 bedrooms and 6 baths, and it's surprisingly really close to the hospital. Also-"

"Oh, wow. It looks like a … really big house. Kind of uneccessary for .. just you." She cuts him off midsentence and looks up at him. He can see her trying to figure why he would need a house with so much space, "I … um, I thought you broke up with Mara. Did you … get back together? Is that why?"

He laughs involuntarily because he can't believe she would actually think he'd do all of this for any other girl. He had meant it when he had said that if ever he wanted more, it would be with her and only her.

"No, of course not" He says, although he remain vague as to the rest if the details, "Anyway, I was going to tell you about how it's close to this really good private school, where they make kids equal parts smart and entitled, but don't worry too much. I went to one of those and I think I turned out pretty okay. Oh, and … it even has … a fireplace."

He smirks at her, waving the gorgeous stone fireplace in front of her face. She hold her hand out and grabs it from him, taking a while to study the picture.

"I'm so confused. I … why did you buy … good private schools ? Jackson, um … fireplace." She mutters to herself mostly, occasionally shaking her head and pulling on the edges of her red curls that have peaked through her parka.

He remains quiet, basking in the cool air, listening to old carol's blast through the speaker, setting then perfect mood for a Christmas night. The only sound apart from the music is the occasional rustling of papers and the soft whispers of April's self debate. He wants this part sink in before he moves on to the next.

"Jackson ?" She finally says out loud, and he can hear the need for her for him to clarify things out.

Here we go, he thinks.

"No. See ... um ... Well ..." He's struggling to formulate the right words that will either break or make his life, so it's almost expected that he'd be nervous.

April raises an eyebrow, indicating her impatience with his stammering.

"See ... About a week ago, we started this Secret Santa thing. I don't know if you remember," He jokes, hoping it'll soften the impact of what he will reveal next. She laughs, nodding her head. "It was so much fun, right? And the best part was I was my best friend's Secret Santa. Minimum effort into knowing what to get her, so that was a plus."

April laughs out loud, shoving me with her arm. Although she and I both knew that that wasn't true. I hadn't put so much thought into gifts in a while.

"Anyway, well it turns out that ... She was my secret Santa too. The thing is ... It made me realise that ... She knows me better than any other person in the world. And ... She cares, a lot more than she probably should. I appreciate that too. And ... You see ... The whole point of this secret Santa thing was to ... was to appreciate the people in your life, right? And I do, I appreciate her so much. But ... that was the point. The point wasn't, however ... It wasn't ..." He found it that as sure as he felt when he walked in to the rink about what he was going to say to her, he could no longer muster up that same level of confidence. She looked at him expectantly, unsure of where he was going with this.

It's not that he didn't want to, it's that he was also just figuring it out. He was just coming to the realissation that maybe it wasn't about getting married, but _who_ you got married _to_ that made the difference. He was still terrified, but maybe everyone is a little bit, maybe all it takes is a little faith and he knew his girl had enough to make up for both of them.

"The point was not ... to realize that maybe you being best friends isn't enough. Maybe it will never be enough. Not when you know you're meant to be so much more and the only thing holding you back is this stupid thing called fear." He said simply, not yet making eye contact with her, although he could feel how he had rendered her speechless.

"Jackson …" She began, her voice almost a whisper.

"I got you that 4th gift since I think it's pretty established that you won fair and square." He says, the nervous knot in his stomach growing by the second.

He slides his hand into his jacket pocket, and pulls out a small velvet box. He slowly turned his face to look at her. She looked back at him, her hands covering her mouth, her eyes wide. If he wasn't so nervous he might have even found it funny, considering how cartoon-like she looked.

"I bought that house, because I want to spend every single day of the rest of my life with you. I want to raise kids in that house with you, and grow old in it with you. It's all I ever wanted, April. I was just stupid, and scared and I let that control me. I'm so sorry," He smiles at her genuinely, and isn't surprised to see her eyes well up with tears. She's always been a crier. "So, here I am, doing something, I probably should have done a long time ago."

He brings his fingers up to the box, opens the box, inside which was a gorgeous ring.

He took a deep breath, gathering his thoughts as focused on her, staring in to her beautiful hazel eyes and the doubt went away, he felt focused, certain of what he was about to say next.

"April Kepner, will you do me the absolute honour of becoming my wife?"

Eyes wide, she remained silent.

"Please say something." He said, quietly, getting more nervous the more time passed by.

April blinked, and his heart hammered in his chest, as she seems to gather her thoughts. She exhaled a shaky breath, and looked at him, her eyes practically brimming with glee.

"No."

Jackson almost didn't hear what she said, his heart beating so loud in his ears, but when he did register it, the shock came in slow, and then all at once.

"No?"

She was rejecting him. It didn't make sense. She told him she loved him, and the only thing missing was a ring. The ring he was giving her. It didn't make sense.

"You don't-you don't want to marry me anymore? April, I-I don't understand. Did I do something wro-"

He was a stammering mess, but it couldn't be helped. This was supposed to end with him getting the girl back.

"I do want to marry you Jackson. Of course I do. It's all I wanted from our relationship." April says, pulling on her coat sleeves.

"Then why are you-"

" _I_ want to marry you, but _you_ don't want to marry me." She shrugs.

"April, I bought you a house, I got you a ring. I am asking you to marry me. Which part of this makes you think I don't want to marry you?" Jackson said, sounding a tad bit hysterical.

"The part where I know you better than you know yourself." She says, sighing, "You don't want to marry me, Jackson. You're marrying me, because I want to marry you, and you… think you have no other option."

His mouth opens and closes without any sound coming out for some time. She wasn't wrong, so he couldn't deny it. He can't just get over every single issue he has had with marriage over night. But he was willing to try… for April.

He had lost her. The realisation was too much to bear.

"So you don't want to be with me?" He asked, sounding heartbroken.

"What? I never said that?" April almost laughed.

Jackson stayed quiet for some time before laughing in frustration, "I'm so confused."

"Of course, I want to be with you. I want to move in to this house with you, and get that dog you want, and even have kids who we will send to those stupid expensive private schools you love," She smiles brightly, and he can't help but reciprocate, "And then, if one day you wake up, and you realise you want to marry me, not for me, but for you, then you can ask me again, and I will say yes. Until then…"

She let her sentence trail off, and pulled her parka top down. He watched as she reached behind her neck and slowly take off the necklace he had gifted her. April took the ring from the box and slipped it into the chain, before refastening it on her neck.

"I will marry you, Jackson _if_ … you're ever ready"

"Are you sure? This is what you wanted, April. You don't have to sacrifice your dreams for me."

She nods and takes his wrist, softly placing a kiss on the inside of his palm.

"Some sacrifices aren't even sacrifices, because they are so worth it."

He stares at the way the diamond shines in a kaleidoscope of colours in the brightly lit rink, and realises he has never felt as happy as he does now.

"When." He says, and she looks at him, confused, "Not _if_ I'm ready. _When_ I'm ready."

She nods, and everything is quiet for a second, and then she laughs, out of nowhere, a full belly laugh. He responds laughing just as hard, because the whole thing was absolutely hilarious. This was supposed to be a game, a stupid, childish game. It wasn't supposed to lead to them finding each other, all over again, realising that maybe they've been idiots to even imagine that they belonged with anyone other than each other.

"This is crazy." She says finally, tears still streaming down her face from all the laughing. He nods along, agreeing that this was in fact the craziest thing to ever happen to them.

He looked over at her and he couldn't resist it anymore. He had to, he had been waiting since yesterday to do what he was about to do. He leaned over, pulling her hood down, and tucking her unruly hair behind her ears. He softly caressed her cheek, brushing his fingers over the soft blush that had grazed her face. He then leaned over, closing the distance and slowly captured her lips in his. Kissing April was fireworks and more. It felt perfect, it felt right.

His hand snaked across her waist and he pulled her onto him, eliciting a loud shriek from her. He smiled into the kiss, never breaking contact and laid down on the icy floor, pulling April on top of his body. He realised that they'd probably have to leave soon to avoid catching hypothermia but right now, this moment, felt too good to break.

He whimpered at the loss of contact when April pulled away, looking questioning up at her. She propped herself by pressing her hands on his chest, looking down at face, lips swollen and cheeks flushed. Now from the kiss more so than the cold.

"I ... um ... I love you… God, I love you." She says, stammering softly, and biting her lower lip. He smirks back at her.

"I would certainly hope so." He quips, making her laugh and shake her head at his confidence. She leans back down to capture her lips, as the song changes to "All I Want For Christmas Is You" and he can't marvel at how appropriate it is.

He was never one for Christmas miracles.

Well, until now.

* * *

 **THANK YOU FOR READING!**

I would ask for reviews, but my atrocious uploading schedule does not deem me worthy of them. (but let me know what you thought anyway hahahaha)


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